Robert Kenyon, the Reform UK candidate for Makerfield, has been making headlines with his provocative statements. In a satirical diary entry imagined by John Crace, Kenyon expresses his disdain for net zero policies and his admiration for burning fossil fuels.
Another Sweltering Day
Kenyon describes a hot late spring day, welcoming global warming. He goes to his van, turns on the engine, and lets it run, aiming to burn as many fossil fuels as possible. Back indoors, he listens to Tony Blair on the radio, praising him as a politician who talks sense. Kenyon dismisses net zero as woke nonsense, comparing current climate to the ice age, when few flights existed yet temperatures rose.
Messages and Meetings
Kenyon receives a WhatsApp from Nigel Farage, who is running late and plans to meet at a local cafe with photographers and a reporter. While waiting, Kenyon checks emails, including one from Carol Vorderman, who is unhappy about his online comments on her fitness. Kenyon dismisses her reaction, suggesting she might be going through menopause.
Another email comes from Danny Kruger, who admires Kenyon's northern authenticity and wants to accompany him on a boiler service. However, Kruger advises Kenyon to rein in his banter for the next three weeks. Kenyon also receives a message from Zia Yusuf, who is angry about Robert Jenrick's misunderstanding of Reform's policy to deport foreigners living in social housing. Kenyon agrees with deporting foreigners, praising Rupert Lowe and considering recruiting him.
Cafe Encounter
Kenyon drives 50 yards to the cafe, orders his usual, and jokes with Sandra. Farage arrives with security and media, appearing natural and relaxed. Farage orders a full English breakfast with extra black pudding and instant coffee, contrasting with Andy Burnham, whom he calls a softie. Kenyon agrees, calling Burnham a middle-class metrosexual from Liverpool.
After the media leaves, Farage retches, finding the breakfast disgusting, but Kenyon finishes it. They then go canvassing in Kenyon's van. At a customer's house, Kenyon fixes a leak while discussing voting intentions. The customer mentions voting for Boris Johnson, and Kenyon agrees, but when the customer criticizes Brexit, Kenyon initially agrees, only to be corrected by Farage, who insists Brexit was a success and that Reform supports it. Kenyon quickly changes his stance, declaring love for Brexit and disdain for the EU and foreigners.
Farage then jokes about charging the customer £5 million for the callout, suggesting a donation paid in crypto. Kenyon adds that the customer can pay in roubles for his upcoming holiday in St Petersburg, expressing support for Russia and disappointment that Ukraine tried to invade. Farage corrects him again, stating they now support Ukraine and warning about Kremlin hacking. Kenyon laughs, appreciating learning something new every day as a Reform candidate.
