A man in his late 60s has shared his struggle with feeling like he has wasted two decades, tied to a property he cannot sell, and questioning if he has mild depression. In a heartfelt letter, he describes how the death of his father led to suicidal thoughts, prompting him to seek help from Samaritans and a therapist. He also reveals a long-held secret of cross-dressing, which he recently discussed with his wife, leading to a surprising agreement that has lifted a weight from his shoulders.
Therapy Insights on Grief and Identity
Elena Mundici, a registered psychotherapist with the British Psychoanalytic Council, analyzed the situation. She noted that the death of a same-sex parent often acts as a catalyst, bringing up feelings of transience and mortality. This can trigger questions like, "What have I done with my life?" Mundici suggested that the man's mourning might be stuck, potentially leading to depression. She pointed out that his desire for a new building project could be a way to avoid the pain of these losses.
The 'Golden Prison' of Property
Mundici described the man's house as a "golden prison"—a place that impresses friends but leaves him feeling trapped. She highlighted a discrepancy between the external beauty of his home improvements and the internal bleakness he feels. This raises deeper questions about identity and authenticity, as the letter contains contradictions about his reclusive nature versus his creative pursuits.
Cross-Dressing and Hidden Energy
When asked about the relevance of cross-dressing, Mundici saw it as a symbol of an alternative life or inaccessible desires. She emphasized that the energy within him seems hidden behind a screen, but commended him for sharing this with his wife, noting that secrets can be painful. This openness has been a positive step in his journey.
Moving Forward: Internal Focus Over External Projects
Mundici advised against rushing into another property project or travel plans, which are contingent on selling the house. Instead, she urged him to turn his attention to his internal landscape. Quoting George Eliot, she said, "It's never too late to be what you might have been." She praised his creativity and resourcefulness, evident in his actions of seeking therapy, communicating with his wife, and writing the letter.
The key takeaway is to make himself the next project, exploring what makes him feel most authentic. Selling the house might force a daunting "what next?" moment, but focusing on inner growth could be more liberating. While it's unclear if he has mild depression, his suicidal thoughts are serious, and ongoing therapy is crucial.
For support, in the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or via email. In the US, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available, and in Australia, Lifeline offers help at 13 11 14. International helplines are listed at befrienders.org.
