Vivian, 61, and Thomas, 58, both left physically unfulfilling marriages and are now rediscovering their sex drives in later life. Their story, shared anonymously, reveals how menopause, honesty, and non-sexual intimacy have reshaped their relationship.
A Sexual Awakening After Divorce
Vivian's journey began in her mid-50s, two years after her divorce, when her sister advised, "If you don't use it, you'll lose it. Go and buy a vibrator or something." That prompted her to start masturbating for the first time. "I had a sexual awakening: I orgasmed for the first time in my life, started listening to podcasts about sex, and was hornier than I'd ever been," she says.
Around that time, she and Thomas began flirting via texts. "If I'm honest, the fact Thomas was still married made it more exciting," Vivian admits. "I justified it by telling myself that he and his wife hadn't had sex in years." Thomas told her he had feelings, but it was Vivian who made the first move.
First Encounters and Honest Confessions
They first had sex seven months before Thomas eventually separated from his wife. "I thought it would be a one-off. I couldn't imagine us as a couple, but I knew we'd have fun," Vivian says. "I'd never been with someone who cared about my pleasure before." In her marriage, sex was "boring and vanilla, something we did on a Saturday night."
Thomas recalls their first kiss at Vivian's door: "I felt a warm tingling sensation. It was the most sexually intimate I'd been with someone in almost eight years." Their first sexual encounter, however, was awkward. A planned lake swim led to a shower, but moving to bed with damp bodies caused Thomas to lose his erection. "Despite being as limp as a noodle, it didn't feel like a failure – we laughed about it," he says.
Navigating Changing Libidos
Since menopause and being with Thomas, Vivian's interest in sex is much higher. "If it were up to me, we'd have sex every other day, but it's more like twice a week," she says. Once Thomas has had time to replenish, she'll initiate, but she's not used to being the initiator. "My desire is responsive," she explains.
Thomas's libido has declined, and he struggles with erections and recovery time. "It takes me a couple of days to recharge after sex," he says. "Vivian thinks that means she's lacking in some way, but it's nothing to do with her – it's because I'm tired."
Non-Sexual Intimacy Fills the Gap
Thomas experienced embarrassment about expressing his sexuality after his ex-wife stopped enjoying sex. "I'd wear pyjamas in bed and roll over with my back to her," he recalls. But with Vivian, he feels comfortable. "Even the way Vivian sinks into my hugs shows how she desires me," he says.
Vivian finds reassurance in Thomas's initiation. "If Thomas initiates, it reassures me that I'm not too old, that I'm still attractive, that he still desires me," she says. Thomas feels grief over his lost libido but notes, "Non-sexual intimacy has expanded into the space left by sex, so I don't feel frustrated."
Their story, part of the Guardian's "This is how we do it" series, highlights that sex after 60 can be about more than physicality—it's about connection, honesty, and adapting to change.
