Late-Night Hosts Unleash on Trump's Vatican Feud and RFK Jr's Disturbing Roadkill Fascination
In a blistering series of monologues on Thursday night, America's premier late-night television hosts dissected Donald Trump's escalating diplomatic spat with the Vatican, soaring fuel costs, and shocking revelations from a new biography of independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Stephen Colbert's Theological Takedown
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert focused his considerable comedic firepower on the MAGA movement's intensifying conflict with Pope Leo XIV over the doctrine of a "just war" concerning Iran. Reacting to House Speaker Mike Johnson's assertion that the pontiff misunderstood the centuries-old Catholic concept, Colbert expressed utter disbelief.
"Correcting the pope on Catholic theology is a little like going into the woods and saying: 'Excuse me Mr. Bear, do you really think this is the appropriate place for you to be pooping? Who's going to clean that up?'" Colbert quipped, drawing roaring laughter from his studio audience.
The host proceeded to explain that the "just war" doctrine, rooted in early Church teachings, permits military action only in self-defense after all peaceful alternatives have been exhausted. "It must be in self-defense once all peace efforts have failed," Colbert clarified. "Only then can the war be said to have 'just cause'. As opposed to Trump, who appears to have taken us to war just 'cause."
Colbert highlighted the Pope's sharp social media retort, which read: "Woe to those who manipulate religion and the very name of God for their own military, economic, and political gain, dragging that which is sacred into darkness and filth." The host's response was immediate and cutting: "Damn, son, the pope just read you for darkness and filth."
Shifting gears, Colbert mocked Trump's dismissive comments about persistently high gasoline prices, with the former president claiming costs were "not very high." Colbert retorted with a pointed question to the camera: "Are you very high?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Architectural and Anatomical Jabs
Over on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host ridiculed Trump's announced plans to construct a triumphal arch in Washington D.C., inspired by Paris's iconic Arc de Triomphe. Kimmel noted the French monument honors generals who died for their nation, while Trump's version would commemorate someone quite different.
"The Arc de Triomphe has the names of generals who fought and died for France engraved on its face," Kimmel observed. "Ours will have the name of the draft dodger who killed America on it. It's going to be beautiful. It strikes the perfect balance between Scientology and Liberace that we have come to expect from our president."
Kimmel then targeted Trump taking credit for the recent Israel-Lebanon ceasefire, marking it as the tenth conflict he claims to have resolved. "I would love to ask him to list those wars that he's ended," Kimmel challenged. "Not a chance he gets past No. 4."
The conversation took an even stranger turn with revelations from Isabel Vincent's new RFK Jr. biography. The book alleges the candidate once stopped his car to excise the penis from a deceased raccoon for later examination. Kimmel responded with mock nostalgia: "I grew up in the 80s. Whose dad didn't pull over to carve out a raccoon penis and study it later? That was the original ending to Zootopia, right?"
"Now we have this guy telling us what to put in our bodies," Kimmel continued. "He can't drive past a festering animal without beheading its boner and throwing it in the back seat with his kids."
Kimmel also highlighted Kennedy's appearance before the House Ways and Means Committee, where the health secretary drank from a plastic water bottle despite his frequent warnings about microplastics. "The 'H' in RFK stands for 'hypocrite,'" the host joked.
The committee questioned Kennedy about his previous claims that "every Black kid" in America is medicated with Adderall, SSRIs, and benzodiazepines—drugs he believes "induce violence"—and would need "reparenting." When Kennedy denied remembering the statement, Kimmel played the original footage, remarking: "Think about how crazy you have to be to say something like that. And then not only do you have no recollection of it—you think it sounds nuts and makes no sense. That's the guy in charge of our children's medications."
