Damien says plants last longer, but Tolu doesn't think things have to survive for years to be worthwhile. They disagree on whether weekly flower purchases are a waste of money or a source of joy.
The prosecution: Damien
Flowers are a fleeting gesture, Damien argues. Why not buy plants that last years instead? He notes that flowers are pretty but don't last—three days and they are half dead. He is not anti-floral, but doesn't get Tolu's obsession. She buys flowers every week from wherever she sees a good offer, such as stalls, supermarkets, or petrol stations. Because she often buys discounted flowers, they start wilting and dying quickly.
Damien points out that Tolu loves flowers on her birthday or any occasion. She will head to a friend's barbecue with a bouquet instead of a bottle, which he doesn't understand. He thinks there are better ways to show love: a plant lasts much longer and a bottle of wine can be enjoyed among friends. If he doesn't get Tolu flowers on her birthday, she sulks. Last year, he took her to a fancy restaurant but she still said “No flowers?” as if the rest of the gesture was insignificant without them.
Damien does make more effort to buy her flowers now, knowing how much they mean to her, but he still doesn't really get it. He feels she wants flowers to prove his love, while he shows love every day through gestures like cooking dinner or de-icing her car in winter—gestures that mean something, not objects that die quickly. Her favourites are peonies and dahlias, which are not cheap. They have been living together for 16 months, and Damien realised flowers would be an important fixture straight away. Tolu wants to sign up for a weekly flower delivery service using their joint account, but Damien doubts it is a good use of their money.
He prefers to use that money on plants, which are gifts that keep giving. Plants last months or even years, improve air quality, and become something you genuinely care about. Every time you water one, you are reminded of the person who gave it to you. Flowers, in contrast, are a fleeting gesture—once plonked in a vase, it is a quick road to death. He finds the concept depressing, whereas plants are a lasting investment. Why buy a week of beauty when you could invest in years?
The defence: Tolu
Tolu counters that things don't have to last for years to be worth having. Flowers are beautiful and she loves them. She disagrees with Damien's morbid view of flowers as a “quick road to death.” If anything, they remind us to live for now. Their beauty is fleeting, but they give so much while they are here.
If she signed up to a weekly delivery service, the problem of wilting flowers would lessen as she would get fresh flowers at a discount. She is conscious of money, so she buys discounted ones when she sees them. Damien knows she uses her own money for those, but he is less keen for her to use their joint account for house flowers, even though he would benefit from their presence. With a delivery service, there would be fewer wilting petals and less mess as they would stay fresher longer—so he can't complain about that.
Their differing tastes were apparent the week they moved in together. Damien didn't see the value in spending £15 on a bouquet while they were still unpacking; Tolu said it was to brighten the place up until they decided on a colour scheme and furniture. Not everything in a home has to justify its existence by staying for years. Some things are just allowed to be beautiful while they are here.
Tolu also thinks Damien could buy flowers for her sometimes. Some girls expect them every week, but she buys them herself. She doesn't believe in entrenched gender roles, but flowers from her partner now and again would be nice. She says flowers maketh the man. For the birthday without flowers, she wasn't sulky, just shocked. She thought: “Some peonies or roses would just be the cherry on top of this day.” It is what they represent in terms of romance—a small gesture that would show he cares, especially as he knows how much she loves them.
Growing up, money was tight, so her parents never bought things like dahlias. She loves flowers in big vases around her—it feels luxurious, like she can finally enjoy the things she wants. Damien thinks in terms of longevity, efficiency, and value per week, but she doesn't think everything can be measured that way.
The jury of Guardian readers
Ana Paula, 31, says: “Come on, Damien, stop being so serious and unromantic! The world is a nicer place with flowers in it—and I'm sure your home and relationship would be, too, if you splashed out on a bunch occasionally. It's time to wake up and smell the roses.”
Rick, 33, disagrees: “Tolu, it was just rude to complain ‘no flowers?’ when you were being treated on your birthday. I'm with Damien: cutting down blooms in their prime and watching them die is depressing, as well as a waste of money.”
Jendayi, 40, suggests: “Flowers clearly bring Tolu joy, but a weekly subscription is expensive. Damien is right that plants are much more long lasting. Perhaps they should have a monthly budget for flowers and plants, and split it between them.”
Wendy, 53, adds: “Tolu's joy in flowers is part of who she is, her love language, and it shouldn't be crushed. But subscription services are pricey, so either Tolu could pay for these herself, or Damien could have a subscription of the same value each week for something he loves.”
Sydney, 43, says: “I'm sorry to be a killjoy but signing up to a weekly flower delivery service is a real extravagance that shouldn't be entertained by serious people. I'd also hope Tolu seeks out locally grown blooms rather than choosing varieties that are air-freighted halfway across the world. I'm with Damien - beauty isn't everything.”
Now you be the judge
In an online poll, readers are asked: should Tolu nip this in the bud? The poll closes on Wednesday 22 July at 9am BST. Last week's results showed 49% said Gary was guilty of not going halves on a festival ticket, while 51% said he was not guilty.
