After more than a decade in family law, divorce lawyer Gabriella Pomare has seen certain catalysts for 'silent divorce' and shares strategies that can help couples reconnect or part amicably. She points to a growing trend where couples live together but are emotionally disconnected, often scrolling on phones or watching Netflix without real communication.
The Rise of 'Silent Divorce'
Pomare explains that 'quiet quitting' or 'silent divorce' occurs when partners are already separated mentally but stay together due to children, bills, or mortgages. 'We probably are, in our mind, separated already but we’re there because of kids and bills and mortgages, and it’s either too hard or too expensive or too scary to actually get separated,' she says.
Staying Together for the Kids
The lawyer challenges the common belief that staying together for children is beneficial. 'There’s this stigma around breaking up the family … but I think kids suffer so much worse living in a house where parents aren’t really together,' Pomare states. She argues that children in such environments grow up with a warped view of family and relationships.
Red Flags and Communication
One of the biggest red flags, according to Pomare, is when couples stop arguing. 'A lot of experts say when you’re having an argument or you’re engaging in conflict, it’s because you still care and there’s something there. But once you stop seeking to argue, it’s because there’s that lack of care.' She emphasizes the importance of daily check-ins, such as asking about each other’s day and feelings.
Unequal Division of Labor
Pomare notes that unequal division of household and parenting duties often causes strain. 'When it all falls to mum – and I say mum because it usually is mum – that is when things very much start to break.' She advises couples to step back and assess the mental load each partner carries.
Healing and Moving Forward
For those going through divorce, Pomare stresses the need for time to heal and grieve. 'If I could change one thing, it would be, yes, people need resolution, but they also need time to heal and grieve. And until they’ve been through that healing journey, I don’t think they see clearly enough.' She encourages big discussions about values and morals early in relationships to avoid surprises later.
Pomare, who is now re-partnered after her own divorce, recommends diarising date nights without kids and setting rules like not talking about work. 'It’s important to know who you’re getting into bed with, essentially. Otherwise things take you by surprise.'
