A mother in her late 30s, with a supportive husband and a two-year-old son, finds herself struggling with feelings of isolation and rejection when taking her child out, reminiscent of her teenage years. She describes a history of being badly bullied after moving schools as a teenager, which severely impacted her confidence, leading to painful shyness through university and ongoing difficulties in trusting people.
The Lingering Impact of Bullying
This individual believed she was ugly, stupid, and unlikable, making it hard to form friendships even after moving to London. While counselling and anti-anxiety medication provided some relief, she still grapples with deep-seated trust issues. Since having her child, many friends have drifted away, including those made in NCT groups, leaving her feeling "faulty" and excluded from social circles.
Expert Insights on Friendship and Healing
UKCP psychotherapist Lisa Bruton emphasizes that bullying can have lasting effects, shaping how individuals perceive groups and safety. She notes that people can become "developmentally stuck" in traumatic periods, such as teenage years, affecting adult interactions. Bruton advises seeking positive group experiences outside of mum groups, suggesting mixed-age settings to avoid school-related memories.
She also recommends finding a "safer" person within groups or socializing with a partner to ease anxiety. Additionally, Bruton highlights that media often romanticizes friendships, creating unrealistic expectations; real-life connections involve imperfections like cancellations and disagreements.
Practical Steps Forward
The mother is reassured that she is not faulty. As her son starts school, daily playground interactions will offer opportunities for gradual friendship building. It's important to remember that not everyone will be a good match, and she should focus on finding people she genuinely likes. This process allows for small, daily progressions in social skills and confidence.
Ultimately, healing from past bullying involves processing trauma through continued counselling, seeking diverse social environments, and practicing self-compassion. With time and effort, it is possible to overcome these challenges and build meaningful adult friendships.
