Men's Friendship: Beyond Opening Up, Finding Connection in Silence and Banter
Can talking about their problems help men forge closer relationships, or is there another way? Josh Halliday, the Guardian's north of England editor, reports on his personal experiences and broader societal trends.
Surface-Level Bonds in Male Friendships
Josh Halliday, aged 37, reflects on his own friendships. He has two closest mates and a larger group for weekend getaways, but he has noticed a significant gap. "My relationship with my two closest friends, who I've been friends with now for 15-16 years, has been fairly surface level, to be honest," he says. "90% of our chat is probably football-related, always with a drink in hand. If you asked me to name their immediate family, I wouldn't be able to do it. And I think that's quite shocking really." This observation highlights a common pattern where male friendships often revolve around shared interests rather than deep emotional disclosure.
Alternative Forms of Intimacy: Banter and Shared Work
But do men have to open up to enjoy each other's company or feel close to each other? Not necessarily, according to anthropology professor Thomas Yarrow. In an interview with Helen Pidd, Yarrow shares insights from his intergenerational group of male friends. "It took me a while to realise that actually, the harshness of the banter was a form of intimacy," he explains. "Men opening up is a really good thing for lots of men. But I think there's also a lot of people who end up feeling stigmatised or even like personal failures because they're not able to or not willing to."
Yarrow emphasizes that working silently together can be a crucial aspect of companionship. "We should be celebrating and valuing that on its own terms," he says, suggesting that shared activities without verbal communication can foster strong bonds. This perspective challenges the notion that emotional talk is the only path to closeness, offering a more inclusive view of male friendship dynamics.
Celebrating Diverse Friendship Styles
The report underscores that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to male friendships. While some men benefit from opening up, others find intimacy in banter, shared hobbies, or silent collaboration. This diversity should be acknowledged and respected, rather than forcing all men into a single mold of emotional expression. By valuing different forms of connection, society can support healthier and more fulfilling relationships among men.
