Navigating Unsettling Social Media Shares from Friends
When a long-term friend persistently sends disturbing or uninteresting social media videos, it can strain even the strongest bonds. Eleanor Gordon-Smith, an advice columnist, provides insightful guidance on how to address this modern friendship dilemma without severing ties.
The Problem: When Friendship Becomes a One-Way Broadcast
Many people find themselves in situations where friends, particularly those communicating primarily through messaging apps, share content that feels alienating or upsetting. One individual described a 30-year friendship where their friend consistently sends videos ranging from unfunny to disturbing, including content featuring women slapping each other and conspiracy theories.
"It's like she doesn't know who I am," the person wrote, noting they've repeatedly expressed preference for positive content and disinterest in American politics. Despite non-responses, the videos keep coming, creating a sense that the friendship has evolved into a one-sided broadcast rather than mutual communication.
Why Traditional Approaches Fail
Gordon-Smith observes that people who have fallen down algorithmic rabbit holes often don't realize their experience isn't universal. Social media platforms are designed to make users believe everyone shares their visual language and content preferences.
"Telling her you prefer positive videos hasn't worked," Gordon-Smith notes. "Silence, the pointed non-reaction, sounds loud to you, but silent to her." The columnist suggests the problem might be that the sharer isn't genuinely attached to the content they're distributing.
A Philosophical Approach: Distinguishing Lies from Bullshit
Gordon-Smith draws on philosopher Harry Frankfurt's distinction between lies and bullshit. While liars at least acknowledge truth by opposing it, bullshit disregards truth altogether. Much social media content, she argues, falls into this latter category - it's indifferent to veracity, serving primarily as distraction or entertainment.
"If that's the way she shares this material, like bullshit - fast, forgotten, indifferent to the fact that you are her interlocutor - you might have more luck interacting with it as strange than as disturbing or false," Gordon-Smith advises.
Practical Strategy: From Confrontation to Confusion
Instead of framing the issue as a serious friendship problem or explaining why specific videos are disturbing, Gordon-Smith recommends signaling that you find the content weird rather than offensive. This shifts the tone from cautious disagreement to bemused bafflement.
The approach involves moving away from statements like "Hey, I want us to stay close but..." and toward expressions of genuine confusion like "What is this?" This acknowledges the strangeness of the content without making the sharer defensive about their choices.
Understanding the Algorithmic Influence
Gordon-Smith emphasizes that social media platforms create echo chambers where users assume everyone shares their content preferences. When someone is deep in these algorithmic patterns, they may not realize how their sharing affects others. The content often represents what philosopher Frankfurt would call "bullshit" - material shared without genuine belief or consideration for the recipient.
"People down the rabbit hole don't always realise their experience isn't universal," Gordon-Smith writes. "Since your other strategies haven't worked as well as you'd like, you might have more luck signalling that you're a baffled outsider to this world she's trying to show you."
Preserving Friendship While Setting Boundaries
The key insight is that treating disturbing social media shares as "bullshit" rather than serious content allows for lighter engagement. This approach maintains the friendship while establishing that certain types of sharing don't resonate. It acknowledges the friend's difficult life circumstances and social media habits without endorsing the content itself.
Gordon-Smith's advice represents a nuanced approach to modern friendship challenges, recognizing that digital communication has created new forms of social friction that require updated strategies for maintaining meaningful connections.
