Ali, 58, and James, 65, share their story of how menopause affected their sex life, exploring loss of desire, emotional intimacy, and new ways to connect.
Ali's Perspective
Ali used to really enjoy sex, but since menopause her drive has completely disappeared. She says, 'I just don't feel like a sexual being any more. The problem isn't that I'm too dry – it's more mental. I don't even enjoy kissing, touching or oral as much as I used to. Although I feel a huge amount of grief over the loss of my sexuality, I honestly couldn't care less if I never have sex again.'
Any pressure to have sex doesn't come from James – it comes from within, from a fear of complete loss. She still has some hope, but she has always been a glass-half-empty kind of person, shy and self-conscious. When she met James at work eight-and-a-half years ago, she actually wanted sex more than he did, and because she lacked confidence she immediately assumed he didn't find her attractive, or that something was wrong with her.
Ali has always enjoyed her own company, but menopause has heightened her desire to be alone. Ten months ago she moved out of the house they had shared for seven years. Living together, she felt overwhelmed – as if she had lost herself, having given too much to James. Losing her mum, her sons leaving home and perimenopause left her feeling anxious and depressed. She wanted her independence back, and moving into her own place gave her that. Without James there, she doesn't feel obliged to have sex.
James is fun, lighthearted, intelligent, and an amazing father to his three children. They are best friends, but Ali wonders who could blame him if he wanted to find someone else. When she says that to him, he can react defensively, saying, 'Well I might.' More often, he says their connection is too strong to give up on. But Ali doesn't think it's fair on him to have to give up sex to be with her. Sometimes she wonders if they could just be friends, but she thinks she would struggle knowing he was having sex with someone else.
James's Perspective
James says, 'The older I get, the more I realise how important intellectual stimulation is. In terms of emotional intimacy and affection, Ali and I have never been stronger. But without her once-high sex drive, Ali says she feels like less of a woman. She misses the kinkier sex we once had, but I honestly don't. I tell her conversation and closeness are enough, but I don't know if she believes me.'
When they got together, Ali was more sexually adventurous than James. He had never had a partner lead before and was stunned by her energy, which made her question whether he wanted to be with her. Now they don't live together, they schedule time to be intimate, but James has no expectations of how that will turn out. He runs a bath and massages her. Sometimes they have sex, but if he senses she is uncomfortable, he stops. He has become good at reading her body language. He would rather cuddle than feel as if she is doing something she does not want to do. He always gives her space to say no.
Ali says, 'I don't know why you want to be with me. Why don't you just have sex with someone else?' Sometimes James says, 'OK, I will,' to provoke a reaction – maybe she will realise she could lose him and fight for him. But it just makes her more insecure. Other times he holds her and tells her he loves her. There is little to help men understand menopause, and James tends to respond practically rather than emotionally. They even discussed separating around the time Ali moved out. It took a lot of work to realise it was menopause causing the sudden changes in how she felt.
They still make love, but they have found new ways to be intimate: baths, long hugs, holding hands while watching a film. A few nights apart each week give Ali the space she needs. She wants to be 'living apart together' long-term, but James does not. He says, 'The chances of meeting someone who stimulates me like she does are a million to one – any sex we have is just a bonus.'
