Gemma Correll has lived with anxiety and depression since childhood. At 16, she discovered what she thought was a magical elixir: alcohol. In this extract from her new book, Anxietyland, she reveals how that promise was broken.
The Downward Spiral
In 2018, in her 30s and living in Oakland, California, Correll began experiencing back-to-back panic attacks. Wandering the streets of Oakland and Berkeley, she tried desperately to shake them, but nothing worked. Her life felt like an out-of-control fairground ride—or an entire theme park. She visualized attractions like the Emotional Rollercoaster, representing the rise and fall of a panic attack; the Depression Obstacle Course, a treacherous trail; and the House of No Fun, a confusing maze of dissociation and depersonalization. Eventually, she saw the whole map: Anxietyland.
Correll knew Anxietyland well. She had ridden the Anxie-Tea Cups, realizing that a nice cup of tea was not sufficient treatment for a clinical anxiety disorder. She had sat through the Magical Thinking Show, learning she could not control real-life events with her thoughts. Having suffered from anxiety and depression since childhood, she thought she knew the park like the back of her hand. But what happened in 2018 was new and utterly terrifying: the Downward Spiral, a slide into the unknown.
She had experienced panic attacks since age 14 and struggled with phobias, including agoraphobia—the fear of being trapped where escape might be difficult. She avoided lifts for years. But this was different: no clear trigger for the panic that enveloped her every waking moment, making her feel even more out of control. She didn't know it then, but she was suffering from panic disorder—panicking about panic. It felt like there was no way off the Downward Spiral.
Turning to Boozy
There was one friend she turned to for help: Boozy. In 2002, Correll was accepted to study English literature at Cambridge. Excited, she arrived at Homerton College but soon felt intense anxiety around classes and meeting people. This escalated into an inability to leave her room. For two weeks, she lived in a state of panic in a tiny dorm room she called the Incredible Shrinking Comfort Zone, racking up huge phone bills calling her parents in tears. She moved back home, embarrassed and guilty.
After this aborted attempt at university, she found a different path: art school after a year on an art foundation course in Ipswich, Suffolk. She had chosen the course for lack of better options but enjoyed it, especially illustration classes that reawakened her interest in cartooning and animation. Still struggling with agoraphobia and finding it hard to leave the house (the college was within walking distance), she approached her second attempt at higher education with trepidation. Once again, she found comfort in Boozy.
Letting Go of Booze
Giving up alcohol didn't solve all her problems, but it was a good start. This extract is from Anxietyland by Gemma Correll (Penguin, £25).
