From Skeptic to Believer: My Journey with a Decades-Old Dating Workbook
After five years of singlehood, endless dating apps, and humiliating set-ups, I was at my wit's end. In January 2023, a friend recommended we read a dating self-help book together, but it turned into an enlistment into Katherine Woodward Thomas's Calling in the One, a seven-week workbook designed to attract the love of your life. As a hardwired cynic, I had nothing left to lose, so I agreed.
The Philosophy Behind the Book
Calling in the One, originally published in 2004 and updated in 2021, focuses on bridging the gap between wanting love and being truly available for it. Woodward Thomas, a California-based therapist who coined the term conscious uncoupling, emphasizes that your past does not define your future in love. The book encourages readers to examine attitudes, behaviors, and narratives that might be holding them back, without blame or condemnation.
Woodward Thomas herself found love by following her own methods at age 41, manifesting a relationship that led to marriage and family. Her calm, regulated approach in our Zoom call was infectious, making the process seem less daunting.
The Grueling Yet Rewarding Process
Completing the workbook was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Daily lessons ranged from gentle meditations on love to excruciating exercises like listing bad habits and changing patterns. I identified my tendencies to people-please and play it cool, which had left me chronically disappointed. Though designed for seven weeks, it took me 13 to finish, as I delved into subconscious promises from my parents and their impact on my partnering choices.
Self-discovery became a huge part of the puzzle. As Woodward Thomas notes, some people finish the book and realize they want to be single, joking that they called in themselves. Licensed social worker Katie Schloss recommends it for those burned out on dating, as a tool to reflect on what they truly want in a partner.
Success Stories and Skepticism
Countless readers, like entrepreneur Mercedes Delusive, have transformed their love lives. Delusive went from codependency to building a whole life independently, eventually dating women after releasing rigid checklists. However, not everyone agrees with the book; some call it cult-y or report dating narcissists post-completion. Reddit threads are filled with both believers and naysayers, and my sister joked I had been brainwashed.
As a Black woman, I initially doubted the book's relevance to my dating experiences, but as I committed, those concerns faded. It helped me recognize my hypercritical and emotionally avoidant tendencies, allowing me to define what I wanted: a considerate, loyal man free from toxic influences.
The Miraculous Outcome
One of the final exercises involved writing an implausible timeline to meet a mate. I set mine for September, but after delays, I returned to dating apps in November. A week later, I met my now boyfriend, and we have been together for over two years. He embodies the qualities I had written about, romantic and relationship-oriented, with no games or guessing. Texting my accountability partner, I realized, Omg, I think I did it!
Woodward Thomas had no guarantee the book would work, but after inviting 12 women to try it in 2004, all are still with their partners today. While results depend on individual effort, for those who have tried everything else, Calling in the One might be worth a shot, offering a GPS-like guide to love with less friction.
