A list of odds for the contenders to replace Prime Minister Keir Starmer, dated 12 May 2026, has emerged, capturing the chaotic state of the Labour Party. The runners, the riders, and the dead horses being flogged—do you bet on this Labour chaos or just enjoy the comedy?
Only on Sunday, Starmer was discussing his 2029 manifesto. If a week is a long time in politics, this one already feels longer. A Labour MP told the Guardian of the party's leadership options: 'We have to face up to the fact that every single one of them is fucking useless.' Welcome to chaosmaxxing with the governing party.
The Contenders
Andy Burnham
Andy Burnham is running a clean-girl mayoralty, favoring pared-back, comfortable clothing—a no-politics politics look. However, he has run two ineffective Labour leadership campaigns, losing to Ed Miliband and Jeremy Corbyn. People say 'different times,' but it's the same guy. Burno-optimists must consider an alternative scenario: he resigns the Manchester mayoralty, Labour loses it, Nigel Farage throws the kitchen sink at the byelection, and Reform wins. Another seat could go to the Greens. Bet against the banter option if you dare.
Ed Miliband
Ed Miliband is the 'regular'—a mangy fur with mad staring eyes. He devoted a night of his last campaign to trudging up the stairs to Russell Brand's flat and being asked: 'Since suffrage, since the right to vote, what has meaningfully occurred?'
Angela Rayner
Angela Rayner's policy platform is unclear, as her role in the contest is uncertain. She would like people to pay more taxes, but her own case for not paying the correct amount of tax has yet to be resolved.
Wes Streeting
Wes Streeting is described by a senior Labour source as a 'self-interested lizard' who covertly orchestrated the coup. However, he is mounting a DWP defence—not the Department for Work and Pensions, but the Devil Wears Prada sequel he and Peter Kyle saw over the weekend. Kyle argues that someone planning a leadership bid wouldn't go to the cinema with a friend. But the film is about a necrotic workplace that reckons getting the old gang back together is enough to resuscitate it.
Starmer's Position
Starmer's language is unconvincingly exquisite. People ask delicately for an 'exit timetable' when they want him on the first train to Eff Off For Ever. Cabinet ministers have discussed how Starmer could take a 'responsible, dignified, orderly' approach to departure—but the only answer is a time machine. On Sunday, he droned about his 2029 manifesto, as if discussing season eight of HBO's Harry Potter series. Monday's public address didn't go better; his reheated speech has incubated bacillus poisoning. He doesn't shape events; he narrates them—Britain's audio description, or worse, its ChatGPT.
The 'Stalking Horse'
Catherine West emerged as a 'stalking horse' with Real Housewives behaviour. She executed a perfect confessional-to-camera, but blundered by misspeaking on the contest timing: 'I shouldn't have written 'in' [September], I should have written 'by'.' That timing could leave the next candidate in the shit.
Marina Hyde's new book, What a Time to be Alive!, is out in September (Guardian Faber Publishing, £20).
