Guardian readers have shared their personal stories about dating a friend's ex, a topic that sparked intense debate after Bravo stars Amanda Batula and West Wilson began dating following West's breakup with Amanda's best friend Ciara Miller. The experiences range from lasting marriages to permanent friendship rifts.
The Complexity of Dating a Friend's Ex
One anonymous reader recounted how she asked her best friend to check on her ex-husband after their separation. The friend called the next morning to ask if she could see him again, and the reader agreed. However, the friendship ended as the friend chose the ex. 'The sadness that I felt was not that she was with him, but that I lost her as a friend,' she said. 'It was over 40 years ago, and I’ve never forgotten the sense of having been sidelined.'
Another reader described how his best friend from college began dating his ex-wife despite promising not to. When he discovered the truth, he ended the friendship. 'In retrospect, I see that he was not a good friend, so I did not lose much,' he said. The ex-wife and friend later married, and the friend became stepfather to his children.
Unexpected Joy and Long-Term Relationships
Anna, a pseudonym, shared how she dated a friend's ex after a breakup. She reasoned that her ex deserved no sympathy and she deserved joy. The fling ended when her ex renewed interest, and she returned to him—a decision she later regretted. 'I felt regret about the friend, and I think of our fling fondly. But I suspect he regretted risking his friendship for someone so flaky,' she said.
Abby from Indiana described how her college roommate's ex became her husband. The roommate knew he was starting to like Abby, but they eventually became a couple. 'We have now been an item for 40 years, married for 35,' she said. The four of them remain friends and cook dinner together.
Community Rules and Lost Friendships
One reader from a small rural community explained a five-year moratorium rule among sisters, cousins, and friends: no dating an ex until five years after the breakup. This rule arose from witnessing the pain caused by fresh ex-dating. A local man dated all five sisters in her family over 27 years.
Karena from Idaho described the pain when a close friend began dating her ex-husband, who had left her for a younger woman. 'It hurt so much,' she said. She lost her friend, another close friend, and their social group. Two years later, the ex-husband left the friend for a younger woman.
Bill from Texas lost a high school friendship after hooking up with a mutual ex. 'I wish we were still friends. I wish he didn’t care that I hooked up with her,' he said.
Lesbian Community and Open Conversations
Nairne, 59, from Ontario, noted that in the lesbian community, dating a friend's ex is not uncommon due to the small dating pool. She and a friend slept with three of the same women and set ground rules, including no lying. 'I’m proud of our ability to talk about our feelings, have hard conversations and make amends if necessary,' she said.
One anonymous reader, now married for 43 years, recalled being called 'the red slag' by a friend after beginning a relationship with her ex. The friend rejected her and spread rumors, but the couple stayed together. 'I know I should have taken a more noble path, but I’d rather be the red slag!' she said.
