Navigating how to behave at a funeral is never easy. Mourners must be attentive yet respectful, present but not overbearing. It is an uncomfortable dance, tiptoeing around what to say, never quite sure of your footing. Now, an etiquette expert has revealed one phrase that you need to avoid — and you have probably said it before.
The Worst Phrase to Say at a Funeral
Etiquette expert Laura Winsor explains: 'One of the worst things you can say at a funeral is “at least they went peacefully.”' She continues: 'Saying this can feel like it diminishes the real weight of those feelings of loss, disruption, grief and confrontation with mortality for those who survive.' While the intention may be sincere, Laura shares that it is important to remember that a funeral is about 'a lot more than the death itself.' 'It has to do with the aftermath and the feelings of those who are still around,' she adds. No matter how true it might be, telling someone their loved one 'went peacefully' might not be the comfort you think it is.
Other Phrases to Avoid at Funerals
- 'At least she lived a long life.'
- 'I know how you feel, my mother/father died recently.'
- 'Death is better than the suffering she/he went through.'
- 'They're in a better place.'
- 'You must be strong for the children, family...'
What Not to Say to Those Experiencing Grief
On a recent episode of 'Help I Sexted My Boss', podcast hosts Jordan North and William Hanson debated this exact topic. William, an etiquette expert himself, mentioned that while it is totally acceptable to say things such as 'lovely service, what a great turn out' at a funeral, lines such as 'I hope you're okay' feel rather redundant. Users shared their own thoughts in the comments of a TikTok uploaded by the pair. One user stated that '“Lovely to see you” should always be followed by “shame it's not under better circumstances.”' Another added: 'As someone who recently lost someone – please don't say “let me know if there's anything I can do” as you're putting the ask to reach out on them, when they are already having a hard time.'
Wading in on this, Laura's opinion slightly differs. The etiquette expert shares: 'While it may not be very helpful, “lovely to see you” shows that you are there and you are offering support. Obviously the closer the friend, the more meaning it has. It has to be a sincere offer. If it is from an acquaintance then yes it doesn't really bear much weight.'
Alternative Phrases to Use
Laura also shared a helpful list of phrases to keep in your back pocket for the next time you are in this situation. There are many ways to be thoughtful and considerate at times like these. She suggests starting with 'I'm so sorry for your loss' before going on to mention a personal attribute you enjoyed about the deceased. An example of this would be: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. She/he's touched so many lives, including mine.' Or, 'I feel really lucky to have known them.' If you did not know the deceased particularly well, you could instead simply say: 'My heart goes out to you and your family at this very difficult time.'
