When Shakira Bruce-Abubakar looked into the eyes of her date, Amiri, and gently declined his invitation to go upstairs, she knew the outcome before it happened. Within weeks, he was gone—texts faded, calls stopped, and the promising connection evaporated. For Shakira, this wasn't a loss; it was validation of her 'three-month rule,' a personal boundary that has transformed her dating life.
A boundary born from repeated heartbreak
Shakira, writing for Metro, explains that she created the rule after noticing a painful pattern: men would shower her with attention—flowers, frequent dates, constant FaceTiming—only to lose interest around the 90-day mark. 'The three-month-mark is commonly acknowledged as the initial excitement phase of a relationship,' she says. 'It was always after about 90 days that the men I was dating seemed to lose interest.'
She recalls sharing her most precious self with someone she believed was genuine, only to watch his affection wane. 'The thoughtful dates would inevitably become a distant memory... Messages became less frequent. Every time, I'd find myself feeling like an afterthought rather than a partner.'
The rule: no sex or emotional over-investment for 90 days
Determined to break the cycle, Shakira decided to abstain from sex and avoid becoming emotionally over-invested during the first three months of dating. This didn't mean withholding affection; she would still flirt, enjoy romantic moments, and share occasional kisses. But she would prioritize herself, not drop everything for a new partner, and let genuine intentions surface naturally.
'I wasn't trying to play games or manipulate anyone. I was protecting myself,' she emphasizes. The goal was to filter out men only interested in sex and to see if their enthusiasm remained consistent once the initial excitement wore off.
The test: Amiri and the fateful evening
In 2023, Shakira put her rule to the test with Amiri. After a romantic dinner and drinks, they ended up on his living room floor, kissing passionately. When he asked, 'Do you want to go upstairs?' and she responded, 'It's too soon,' the atmosphere shifted. She never saw him again.
Years ago, that outcome would have devastated her, leading to endless replaying of the evening and self-doubt. 'But this time I didn't question anything. Instead, I thanked myself,' she writes. 'His decision to walk away wasn't proof that I had lost an opportunity; it was a sign that we were looking for different things.'
Boundaries reveal true intentions
Shakira's experience underscores a broader truth: boundaries don't push the right people away; they reveal who was never prepared to stay. 'It was never about waiting for sex. It was about waiting for clarity—giving people enough time to reveal who they truly are, and giving myself enough self-respect not to settle for anything less than consistency, intention, and genuine love.'
Her story resonates with many who have faced similar dating disillusionment. By sharing her journey, Shakira hopes to empower others to set boundaries and recognize that walking away can be a victory, not a defeat.
