Linda, 45, and Elias, 59, have been together for over 13 years. Their sexual relationship was once vibrant, but after Linda underwent a hysterectomy that triggered early menopause, her libido plummeted. This led to a pattern of rejection and insecurity. To address this, they created an 'intimacy menu'—a shared list on their phones of intimate activities they both enjoy. When one ticks an item, it serves as an invitation, reigniting anticipation and desire. Linda says, 'Since everything on the list is something we both like, when he sends me a suggestion it turns me on.' Elias adds that the menu helps them plan and builds anticipation. They now have sex about once a week, which feels sufficient for both. Going through these changes has brought them closer, fostering acceptance and open communication.
Linda's Story
Linda describes the first time she and Elias had sex as the best in her life. After separating from her first husband due to mismatched sex drives, she valued sex as essential. However, after her hysterectomy at age 39, her sex drive disappeared. Elias's initiation attempts were met with rejection, causing him insecurity. Linda wanted to desire sex but her body wasn't responding. Reading books like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski inspired an exercise where they described good sexual encounters. This led to a detailed list of intimate activities, from listening to fantasy audio to sharing a shower or using sex toys. They call it their intimacy menu, stored as a shared Notes app list. When Elias ticks 'evening phone sex,' it's an invite for later. If Linda isn't up for it, she suggests another time. Her sex drive has returned, though not to previous levels, and she accepts this phase of life.
Elias's Perspective
Elias recalls their relationship starting as a one-night stand but evolving due to shared interests. Initially, sex was daily, but Linda's health issues changed that. His initiations were rebuffed, leading to self-doubt about his age and attractiveness. They talked openly about these insecurities. For two years, Elias relied on solo sex, which satisfied physical needs but not emotional intimacy. The intimacy menu helped them plan and build anticipation. Seeing a suggestion from Linda acts as foreplay. The menu also includes non-sexual items like cuddling. Elias still finds Linda attractive and believes going through physical changes together brings them closer. They now have sex weekly, which is enough for both.
