A reader describes a friendship where they always felt on edge, attributing it to the friend's childhood trauma and mental health issues. The friend often played the victim, claiming others ghosted them. After a year of supporting the friend through stressful events, the reader faced their own priorities and stresses. The friend snapped, dismissing the reader's struggles and throwing a tantrum, later blaming their trauma and mental health. The reader accepted an apology but gradually reduced contact, eventually ghosting the friend. They feel both terrible and relieved, seeking advice on moving forward.
Understanding the Guilt and Relief
UKCP-accredited psychotherapist Noel Bell commends the reader for recognizing the "on-edge feeling" as intuition. He notes that empathy can override worries, leading compassionate people to tolerate toxic behavior. Bell emphasizes that mental health issues do not excuse mistreatment: "Having issues does not allow people a free pass to mistreat or abuse others." When the friend said the outburst was "not personal," they tried to erase the impact of their actions.
The Friendship as an Unsustainable Caretaking Role
Bell explains that a friendship becomes an unsustainable caretaking role when one person must neglect their own emotional needs to keep the other stable. The reader gave the friend a genuine chance, but ghosting became the only option when compassion failed. Bell states, "You ghosted them because the compassionate approach had failed."
Anger as a Healthy Emotion
Anger signals that a boundary has been crossed. Bell describes it as "a sign of a healthy self-esteem" and "the resilient part of you that recognises you were treated unfairly and says 'I deserve better.'" He reassures the reader that they didn't leave out of cruelty but out of exhaustion. "Choosing your own peace of mind over someone else's emotional demands is not selfish, it's self-care," Bell says.
Moving Forward
Bell advises asking: "What else could I have practically done?" When the answer is "nothing without sacrificing my own mental health," the reader will find peace. The reader's sensitivity is a strength, not a flaw. As Annalisa Barbieri notes, we should avoid situations that harm us, just as we avoid physical harm.
