When a friend is accused of sexual assault, the emotional turmoil can be overwhelming. Ciara Bergman, CEO of Rape Crisis England & Wales, explains: 'Recognising that a friend has behaved – or may have behaved – abusively takes courage. It can bring up a lot of different feelings. You might want to avoid conflict, make excuses for them, or hope someone else will step in.'
Why It's So Hard to Believe
Perpetrators often don't fit the stereotype. Psychotherapist Dr Skylar Collé, who treats both victims and perpetrators, says: 'They're often charming and well-liked.' Many are integrated into families and workplaces. 'Most men who have committed acts that legally constitute sexual violence do not call it that. There's this profound capacity for self-deception, for reframing, for minimising. They've constructed narratives that protect their self-image.'
Former Senior Crown Prosecutor Tricia O'Sullivan notes that friends rarely see how someone behaves in intimate settings. 'There is nothing that family members or friends would necessarily notice because they're simply not in that context. It's like saying someone can't be a thief because they haven't stolen everything they've ever come across.'
Should You Believe the Allegation?
Deliberately false reports are uncommon, accounting for around 2-4% of cases. Experts advise taking disclosures seriously. Dr Collé says: 'Someone can have been genuinely kind to you and still have caused serious harm to somebody else. Both of those things can be true.' Avoid judging based on assumptions about how a survivor 'should' behave. Sexual violence often occurs in private without witnesses or physical evidence.
What Should You Do?
If you believe the allegation, you are not obliged to maintain the friendship or confront the friend if unsafe. If you choose to speak, Dr Collé advises honesty: 'I know what you did, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.' Bergman emphasises that friends can challenge abusive behaviour: 'When nobody says anything, it can start to look like it's being accepted, even when people privately disagree. Saying something helps make it clear that it's not OK.'
Should You Report Them?
In most circumstances, you are not legally required to report. Decisions about reporting should remain with the survivor. You can support them by explaining options, such as contacting Rape Crisis or reporting to police. If they consent, you can report to police, which may create a record even without an investigation.
Should You Still Be Friends?
If safe, encourage accountability through therapy or self-reporting. O'Sullivan advises considering your own safety: 'For the purposes of keeping yourself safe [especially] as a woman, it's not a good idea to ignore that [and remain friends].' Bergman concludes: 'Where it's safe to do so, letting your friend know that their behaviour isn't OK could help stop the abuse and make sure the person they've harmed can get support.'
For support, contact Rape Crisis England & Wales free 24/7 Support Line on 0808 500 222 or chat online at 247sexualabusesupport.org.uk.
