In 2023, Dr Jennie Young, a rhetoric professor at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, grew frustrated with online dating. Facing inappropriate messages and fruitless conversations, she searched for a way to find a needle in a haystack. The answer was to burn it down, leading to the creation of the Burned Haystack Dating Method (BHDM).
What Is the Burned Haystack Dating Method?
The BHDM is a set of guidelines for women and non-binary people seeking long-term, monogamous relationships. It has two main components:
1. The 10 Rules of Engagement
These include limiting time on dating apps, avoiding becoming pen pals, and blocking users who don't seem like a match—known as "block to burn" or B2B.
2. The 33 Red Flag Rhetorical Patterns
These are language clues that indicate a match may not share your dating goals. For example, "test and apologize" describes an inappropriately sexual first message followed by an apology, which builds plausible deniability while testing boundaries.
Young explains that the method helps women use dating apps more effectively and identify potential partners without being sidetracked by rude, inappropriate, or unavailable men. "It's not hard to find a polyamorous guy on Tinder for a one-night stand. You don't need a method for that," she says.
How It Gained Popularity
After implementing the method, Young felt she had stumbled on a cheat code. She started a private Facebook group to share experiences, which now has over 260,000 members. The group is open to women and non-binary people who date any gender, but not to men. Young still moderates the page and writes a Substack newsletter about the topic.
Young believes the method went viral because it was badly needed. "Women could tell I was telling the truth. And I wasn't blaming them. These are legitimate problems and they should be angry," she says.
Mixed Reviews from Users
Many users swear by the method. Elisa Sparkman, 41, found that after using BHDM, she went on half the number of dates but they were much better matches. She met her current boyfriend at the end of 2025. Carrie Juhasz, 44, a hair stylist, also experienced fewer matches but more quality dates and appreciates the community support.
However, some critics argue the method judges men too harshly. On Reddit, users have expressed concerns about a lack of compassion and an over-the-top man-hating attitude. Young acknowledges the criticism but says the risk of disqualifying good men is far less than wasting time with bad ones. She adds that making concessions for harmful male behavior could be dangerous and is the foundation of rape culture.
Expert Advice on Intentional Dating
Dating coach Bela Gandhi advises looking inward before burning the haystack. She suggests reflecting on personal dating patterns and readiness for the desired partnership. "There are just as many women treating men badly as men treating women badly," she notes.
Dating app fatigue is common, and many seek guidelines. Gandhi notes that no one has gone to dating school, and apps gamify interactions, encouraging abnormal behavior. Young agrees, saying app conversations involve constant aggressions.
Juhasz advises giving yourself grace. "Don't take it to heart when you make mistakes and experience failures in dating. Life and dating are really about learning to love yourself," she says.
