Two new tortoises have hatched in Emma Beddington's home, bringing the total to seven and turning her household into what she describes as "chaos." The males must be separated to prevent attacks, and the tiny new arrivals are a constant source of anxiety. Despite the turmoil, her husband is considering adopting more.
Unexpected Hatchlings Spark Questions
Hatching one unexpected baby tortoise is generally viewed as a blessing, but hatching two more leads to pointed questions. Beddington notes that people now ask, "Are you running a tortoise sanctuary?" and "Do you have the horniest tortoises in Yorkshire?" The answer to both is "apparently," she says.
Male Tortoises Cause Turmoil
The household now has seven tortoises, at least three of which are male. Beddington says the males are "trouble," apologizing for the gender essentialism but maintaining it's true. The two adult males must be separated or they attack each other. The previous baby, which hatched in 2024, was confirmed to be male when he was found trying to mate with his mother, who is ten times his size.
Attempt at Group Photo Ends in Chaos
Beddington thought it would be cute to take a picture of all seven tortoises together last week, but within seconds it descended into "violent anarchy" with everyone biting and scattering in opposite directions at high speed. She notes that tortoise slowness is a myth, as they move quickly in the heatwave.
Containment Strategy and Adoption Plans
The current strategy is to divide and contain. The most violent recidivist has been taken to Beddington's stepfather's yard, where the only things he can hurt are hardy perennials. The other adult male is temporarily in the greenhouse, where he keeps capsizing despite no obstacles and cannot right himself. Beddington constantly flips him over while watering the tomatoes. Meanwhile, she is brokering the adoption and re-education of the two-year-old toddler tortoise by a lesbian couple who have vowed to try to "raise a good man."
New Arrivals Cause Anxiety
That leaves the females, described as "serene, unbothered, bankrupting us in chicory," and the two new arrivals, which are barely bigger than a 50-pence piece. Beddington says they are a constant source of anxiety. Back Dot, so named because a marker was used on its shell, keeps trying to escape, while Side Dot is dozy and reluctant to eat. She suggests the collective noun for tortoises should be "a torment" rather than "a creep."
Husband Considers Adopting a 40kg Tortoise
Despite the chaos, Beddington found her husband reading about Theo, a 40kg teenage African spurred tortoise currently up for adoption, with a "furtive, calculating expression." She jokingly calls this "grounds for divorce."
