For most of her adult life, Kay has been a self-described ‘lover girl.’ But in her late twenties, she realized her fixation with dating wasn’t just because she ‘loved love.’ After being diagnosed with ADHD, which is associated with dysregulated dopamine signaling, she understood that her brain was addicted to the rush of romance. Kay, an activist and content creator who runs a community called ADHD Baddie, admits she was guilty of ‘dopamine dating’ – a term likely to resonate with singles outside of the neurodivergent community as well.
‘If I look at all the people I’ve ever dated or spoken to, I didn’t really like them,’ she tells Metro. ‘I only really liked the attention and the novelty of meeting someone, as well as the limerence and the fantasy of what we could be that never happened. And when it ended it hurt so bad because I was already in love with the version of them I made in my head. I had already imagined the future fun, the good times we could have, and what that meant about me. So when that doesn’t happen, it’s like mourning a future you already lived.’
When she most needed the dopamine, she’d join a dating app, get bored, and then swiftly delete it again. Now, though, she’s done for good, recognizing that this digital fix only feeds into her impulsivity.
What is dopamine?
Unlike serotonin, dopamine is the quick-fix, happy hormone. According to Harvard Health, dopamine is ‘most notably involved in helping us feel pleasure as part of the brain’s reward system. Sex, shopping, smelling cookies baking in the oven – all these things can trigger dopamine release, or a “dopamine rush.”’ The definition adds: ‘This feel-good neurotransmitter is also involved in reinforcement. That’s why, once we try one of those cookies, we might come back for another one. The darker side of dopamine is the intense feeling of reward people feel when they take drugs, such as heroin or cocaine, which can lead to addiction.’
With forms of neurodiversity like ADHD, the brain is deficient in dopamine, which means that people living with this neurodevelopmental condition might be more likely to seek out dopamine hits, whether healthy or otherwise. Hence, the term ‘dopamine dating’ is going wild in certain subsections of the internet.
Wait, isn’t all dating a form of dopamine mining?
The concept of dating just to feel something can be pretty universal and it’s not always a bad thing – in moderation. To be clear, it’s not okay to play with someone’s feelings without communicating upfront exactly what you’re after, but it’s a human experience most of us have been through at one point or another. And, as Grindr’s sex and relationship expert Zachary Lane explains, the flow of this brain chemical is ‘what motivates us to keep talking to someone, and perhaps eventually, date.’
‘There are many ways dating can lead to rewards or dopamine release. The validation you get from someone messaging you on the app, the excitement from meeting someone new that you find attractive and cool, and the elevated arousal that comes from the “do they like me too?”’ ‘I’d argue that dating fatigue happens when you stop getting excited and no longer enjoy the sense of novelty or feel like you’re getting any rewards. And that’s exactly what might motivate a dating detox.’
But when you solely seek a dopamine hit, at the expense of a more fulfilling long-term connection or other responsibilities in life, it can lead to ‘unhealthy behavior.’
Signs you might be dopamine mining
If you’re in the casual dating space and concerned that you’re just mindlessly mining for dopamine, Zachary recommends starting by labeling your dating habits, including your emotional responses. He says: ‘Ask yourself a question: Why are you dating? What do you want to get out of dating? Do you seriously want a romantic partner at this time, something more casual, or are you just dating for the sake of dating?’
Then, it’s important to try and distinguish between what constitutes a genuine connection, and what constitutes a meaningless distraction. ‘Genuine connection comes from repeated interactions with the same person, being vulnerable about who you are, and being embraced for your authentic self, flaws and all. This only comes with time,’ Zachary says. ‘If you’re quickly moving on from one date to the next, even when you liked the date, or thought there was potential for something long-term, it’s perhaps a sign you’re dating for stimulation. That said, you don’t have to date to form a genuine connection. Some people aren’t looking for a long-term relationship. They’re looking for a tryst and to move on, to get that dopamine hit and move to the next. If you’re honest about your dating intentions, you’re golden.’
Time for a detox?
In 2025, Forbes’ Health Survey found 78% of all people who use dating apps feel burned out and exhausted by the constant search for a date. Like other pieces of technology, the urge – and compulsion – to swipe is constantly there, on our phones, inviting us to lock in. Even if matching with people isn’t translating into any IRL dates, the dopamine hit we might get from swiping – just as we do from scrolling TikTok, for example – is still there. And it’s constantly in our pockets.
As such, the scientist behind the study staunchly recommended taking breaks and only scrolling for 30 minutes at a time. It speaks to our fatigue, but also the scientific fact that we can’t seem to look away. If cutting down your swipe time doesn’t help break the cycle of dopamine mining, it might be worth having a proper break from the apps, as Kay has done.
Now, she’s single, and she’s not searching, dating, or remotely interested in it. ‘A lot of us [women with ADHD] grew up feeling unlovable, not enough, or emotionally neglected, so dating or talking to someone can feel like validation but isn’t the solution,’ she shares. ‘Working on your needs, your attachment style, and being and giving yourself what you’re seeking from the attention you get, that’s the real answer. Reprogramming and waking up from the illusion of the love and romance we were sold as kids isn’t easy, but it’s sure as hell worth it.’
