Fi, 42, and Will, 42, have been together for 18 months, but their sexual relationship has been fraught with challenges stemming from mismatched libidos, depression, and low self-worth. Fi describes wanting sex daily, while Will declines about 80% of the time. After a six-month dry spell, a candid conversation sparked by Will's masturbation has helped them rebuild intimacy, though both acknowledge ongoing struggles.
Fi's Perspective: Feeling Rejected and Seeking Connection
Fi explains that she craves sex for the connection it brings, but often feels rejected when Will turns her down. She recalls a morning when she suggested a quickie, but Will said he was too tired. The next day, she found him masturbating in bed, which left her in tears. "I knew my feelings weren't rational – there's nothing wrong with masturbating – but they were real," she says. "All I could think was: couldn't we have had those two minutes of intimacy yesterday?"
Fi's previous relationship was sexless for five years, and she fears repeating that pattern. "I don't want to end up living with a friend again," she says. She acknowledges her own difficulty with vulnerability, which led her to put up a wall instead of talking honestly about sex. She often initiates with a joke, like "Do you want to put your stick in my hole?" and when he says no, she assumes it's her failure.
Fi worries that Will sees her as a mother figure rather than a sexual being, especially after they moved in together last autumn. "I was the fixer, the one who gets things done; Will was out of work and in bed for four months with a broken back. He felt worthless," she says. The conversation after finding Will masturbating was the healthiest she's had in a relationship. "He understood that hearing how attracted he is to me isn't enough – I need to feel desired through his actions," she says. They are now having sex about once a week, which provides the validation she needs.
Will's Perspective: Low Self-Worth and Performance Anxiety
Will says low self-worth and antidepressants create a disconnect between his brain and his penis. "I overthink everything. What if I ejaculate too quickly? What if I can't come at all? I'd rather say no than feel as if I'm letting Fi down," he says. He often asks Fi why she's with him, seeing himself as "nothing" compared to her accomplishments.
They met on Hinge 18 months ago, and Will felt an immediate connection. "My last partner was emotionally and physically abusive, so I really need to be able to trust that someone is honest and kind, and I felt that with Fi immediately," he says. His daughter also approved, and "kids are very good judges of character."
After moving in together, life became more about house admin than sex, and a back injury killed intimacy. "I could barely walk; I couldn't roll over in bed or reach my arm across Fi without excruciating pain; I wasn't even allowed to pick up a bag of shopping," Will says. Fi kept telling him he was doing brilliantly, but he felt "physically and mentally useless."
Regarding the masturbation incident, Will clarifies it wasn't about choosing masturbation over Fi. "I was doing it to try to get back to sleep. Sex with Fi is completely different – I need to be emotionally present because I care so much about whether she's enjoying it too," he says. Even though they seem out of the rut now, Fi has stopped initiating to avoid rejection. Will says, "She worries it's about her, but it isn't at all – I think she's amazing. But that's part of the problem – because I don't think I'm worth anything, being with someone amazing is overwhelming." He tries to reassure her, and when they do have sex, "it's dynamite."
