Writer Chanté Joseph, who authored Vogue's viral article 'Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?', has labeled the childhood sweetheart trope as 'relationship propaganda', dubbing it 'weird and conservative' in a recent TikTok video. While she clarified she is not against these relationships themselves, she criticized society's glorification of them as an indicator of moral respectability.
The critique: purity culture and conservatism
Joseph told her followers: 'I think the glorification of childhood sweetheart relationships as an indicator that you are a decent, moral, respectable person really needs to be challenged and dismantled.' She added: 'There's something about this that feels very conservative coded. This whole, you meet your partner at 16, you stay together for the rest of your lives, they're the only person you're with. There's an element of purity culture…this idea of sleeping with more people corrupts… I find that stuff really strange.'
Why do we romanticize childhood sweethearts?
Dr Kathryn Higgins, researcher and writer at Goldsmiths, explains: 'It's linked to our cultural attachment to monogamy as the romantic ideal. The monogamous ideal invites us to pretend, when we fall in love, that it's the first and only time it has ever happened to us. Even though many of us fall in love more than once, we're not very comfortable with this as a culture. The idea of childhood sweethearts spending their lives together is this fantasy come to life. It's monogamy taken to its furthest extreme.'
Gender inequality also plays a role. When men remain loyal to one person, it's seen as a 'character boost', but for women, it's an 'expectation'. 'We don't hear a lot of praise for women who choose to remain with the same man for their entire lives,' Higgins adds. 'We still view it as natural and normal for men to want to pursue sexual variety, while women are criticized and stigmatized for doing the same.'
The conservative label: when length equals quality
Higgins notes the trope becomes 'conservative' when held up as an ideal. 'It becomes conservative when we mistake the length of a partnership, or the degree of sexual and romantic exclusivity, for the quality of the partnership. Just because two people have been together since they were teenagers, doesn't mean they're happy.'
The counterpoint: shared history and growth
BAPC-registered therapist Roya Royle says childhood sweetheart relationships often turn into successful adult partnerships. 'As teens, we're figuring out who we are, what we value and what kind of life we want to build. If you meet your partner at 15 or 16 and stay together, you are essentially growing up alongside someone.' She adds this can provide a 'profound sense' of being understood: 'There's something very appealing about having a shared origin story. It can give people a powerful sense of continuity and belonging. I also think there's something very special about having someone who remembers the younger versions of you. If you can grow together without becoming trapped in old roles, that can be a real strength.'
Real-life stories: engaged at 27 after meeting at 17
Kate Rice, now 27, recently got engaged to her partner Stepan after 10 years together. They met at a mutual friend's party, and their first coffee date lasted six hours. 'Our first date was an everything-clicked-into-place moment. I instantly knew that he was going to be someone I was with for a long time,' she says. Despite being skeptical initially, Kate says: 'I was expecting the bubble to break because I was like, there's no way this is a realistic thing. Everyone breaks up with their childhood sweetheart. We just never did.' She notes that boys at university teased her, but she never wanted a 'wild phase': 'I've always been content with just the two of us.' The pair attended different universities and maintain separate social lives. 'There are so many great things about being with someone so long, because they know you in a way that no one else does. We've seen every version of each other. We've always got each other's back,' she adds.
The other side: splitting after 10 years
Joelle (name changed) met her first love at 16 at school. They stayed together through university, then bought a flat. 'At the time, I remember thinking how lovely it was that we'd grown up together, and then we were also going to grow old together too, but it's not as idyllic as it seems,' she says. She felt she was trying to fit into her boyfriend's life: 'He was keen to buy a house in the suburbs, and start to think about settling down. But we were in our mid-20s and found ourselves living in a house we could barely afford, surrounded by families in their 30s. My friends were living exciting lives in London, and I was so jealous.' She describes the relationship as 'stunted': 'When your early days of dating start off in your childhood bedroom, it never properly matures. As a couple, you never got to experience those late-night link ups, or first dates in the city. Instead you're watching TV on your parents' sofa.' The sex was also a downside: 'He was the first person I'd ever slept with. I'm glad it was him, but looking back, sex can be so much better than what we had. I just didn't know it at the time. I shudder at the thought that he could have been the only guy I'd ever seen naked.' Eventually they split, and he quickly married and had two kids while she is childfree and dating. 'We could have so easily stayed together, and lived a mediocre family life. Thank God our story ended differently,' she says.
