Embracing the In-Between at 40
Carolin Würfel, a writer and journalist born in the former East Germany, turns 40 and finds herself caught between two systems, two cities, and two decades of life. In a personal essay, she explores the concept of living 'in-between'—a state often viewed as temporary or unstable, but one she now embraces as a legitimate place to exist.
Würfel recalls Christa Wolf's 1970s letter to Lew Kopelew: 'One stands quite comfortably between all fronts, and must come to understand that this is, in fact, the only possible place to be.' Wolf referred to the Cold War divide between the Soviet Union and the West, but Würfel sees it as a metaphor for her own life—a millennial navigating the uncertainties of midlife.
A Decade of Transition
In the second half of her 30s, Würfel experienced major life changes: leaving a marriage, moving from Berlin to Istanbul with just two suitcases, and restarting her career in a foreign city. For years, she viewed this as a temporary condition, expecting to 'arrive' at stability once the dust settled. Yet, she realized that the dust never fully settles.
'I do not feel in control most of the time,' she admits. 'There are days when I think I should be somewhere else entirely.' She questions her choices—studying history instead of journalism, not becoming a lawyer—and wonders if she should have stayed married or had children. According to Würfel, these doubts are common among her peers, who also struggle with the pressure to have achieved more by 40.
Finding Peace on an Island
At the end of 2023, Würfel moved from Istanbul's European side to one of the Princes' Islands in the Marmara Sea. The island, officially part of Istanbul but geographically separate, sits between Europe and Asia. 'From here you can see both sides of Istanbul,' she writes. 'You are part of the city and you are not.'
Initially worried that island life would intensify her feeling of being in-between, she instead found peace. 'I have never loved a place as much as this one,' she says. The shift came when she stopped wrestling with the notion of not having arrived. 'In-between is a place, too,' she realized. 'One that allows me to see in multiple directions at once.'
Living Between Systems
As a former East German citizen, Würfel grew up within the collision of two systems—the GDR and West Germany—after reunification in 1989-90. She learned that the in-between cannot be dissolved; to erase the distance between two sides would mean erasing the histories that created it. Yet, society often teaches us to experience this as failure.
In Germany, she is asked: 'How much longer will you stay over there? When are you coming back for good?' In Turkey, people struggle to understand why a German citizen would choose to live in Istanbul. 'There is often an implication that this in-between life of mine is a strange adventure, that will eventually be over when I choose one side over the other,' she notes.
The In-Being as a Life
Würfel argues that the in-between is not a waiting room but a life. 'Don't we all move, always, between fronts?' she asks. On her 40th birthday, her best friend called to ask if she felt different. 'No, I feel the same. In-between, as always,' Würfel replied. 'Because it is in-between that our lives are lived.'
She concludes by acknowledging that Christa Wolf knew this all along. 'I had to become 40,' Würfel says, to fully understand that standing between all fronts is the only possible place to be.
