For many couples, a partner's infatuation with someone else signals the beginning of the end. But for Verity, 45, and Darya, 46, it became the catalyst that saved their sex life and strengthened their two-decade-long relationship.
A Crisis of Desire and Comfort
A few years ago, Verity developed a powerful crush on a female colleague. This attraction was unsettling because it felt entirely different from her feelings for her long-term partner, Darya. The colleague made Verity feel nervous and insecure, emotions she had never associated with Darya, who had always made her feel loved and safe.
This contrast led Verity to question everything. "I started to question whether I'd ever been attracted to Darya," she admits. The couple got together 20 years ago after being friends first. While their emotional connection was profound, their sexual relationship had become routine and uninspired over the years, something Verity did just "to keep things ticking along."
Both women trace part of their sexual inhibition back to growing up gay in the UK during the 1990s, a time they describe as difficult. Verity recalls her own mother making homophobic comments, an environment that left them both lacking the confidence to articulate their desires.
The Turning Point: Honesty and 'Clinging-On Sex'
When Verity finally confessed her feelings for her colleague, it sparked a monumental crisis. Darya's reaction was intense. "I actually threw Verity out of the house for a night," Darya, now 46, recalls. She told Verity she couldn't take it anymore.
Paradoxically, in the middle of this emotional turmoil, their sex life reignited. Darya describes it as "clinging-on-for-dear-life sex," where the fear of losing everything made them hold on to each other physically. More importantly, the crisis smashed the wall of silence around their intimacy. They started talking about sex openly, perhaps because Darya felt she had nothing left to lose.
Discovering a Fundamental Difference
Their honest conversations led to a stunning revelation that had eluded them for 19 years. On their 19th anniversary, Verity asked Darya to "slow down" during sex. This simple request uncovered a core difference in their sexual rhythms.
"We realised that Verity is a slow burner, whereas I am a fast burner," Darya explains. It was shocking that it took them nearly two decades to understand this basic dynamic. Verity, who had always reached orgasm quickly, had been rushing through sex, while Darya preferred a faster pace. This mismatch had contributed to years of frustration and rejection.
Now, their approach is deliberately different. They begin by lying together, stroking each other, and letting desire build consciously rather than waiting for it to strike like a bolt of lightning. "Romantic movies train you to think of sex as an uncontrollable urge," Verity reflects, "but we have learned how to build desire that is no less strong for being consciously cultivated."
Their relationship has been fundamentally reshaped. They maintain a daily couple's chat where sex is mentioned casually, breaking the old taboo. Verity is now the main instigator of sex. Both women express amazement at the transformation, with Darya stating she wouldn't have believed it possible 18 months ago.
Their story challenges the notion that desire must be fraught with anxiety. Verity poses a powerful question: "What if the degree to which a lover makes you feel panicked and sick isn't the best way of measuring attraction? What if you can feel safety and desire at the same time?" For this couple, the answer is now a resounding yes.
