If you've ever replayed a sexual encounter in your mind, questioning whether your performance met expectations, you are far from alone. New research reveals this is a widespread anxiety across the UK.
The Common Fear of Underperforming
A survey conducted by Superdrug Online Doctor found that almost a third (32%) of Brits suspect they are bad in bed. The difficulty often lies in knowing for sure, especially if a partner is reluctant to communicate openly or, conversely, is skilled at masking their true feelings.
While a direct conversation is the most straightforward solution, it can feel daunting. Instead, experts suggest looking for subtle signals that indicate room for improvement. Recognising these signs is the first step towards positive change, as only those unwilling to adapt are truly beyond help.
Key Signs Your Bedroom Skills Need Attention
1. You Struggle to Stay Present
Clinical psychologist and intimacy coach Dr Lori Beth Bisbey identifies this as an incredibly common issue. She notes it's a red flag because "great sex requires all parties to be present, connected and focused on each other." Her advice is to practise anchoring your attention on a single sensation, like a sight or sound, to pull yourself back into the moment when your mind wanders.
2. You Avoid Communication
Qualified couples counsellor and Lovehoney sexpert Annabelle Knight warns that never asking what your partner enjoys is a missed opportunity. "Silent sex isn’t bad, but zero communication often means zero collaboration," she tells Metro. The fix is simple: ask open questions like, "What’s something you’d love more of?" A little curiosity can go a long way.
3. Your Partner Avoids Initiating
If your partner rarely makes the first move, it may signal that sex feels one-sided. Annabelle Knight explains this doesn't automatically mean you're bad, but that something isn't clicking. Reigniting shared enthusiasm is key. "Try something new. Switch up the routine. Toys, lube or outfits can help spice things up," she suggests.
4. They've Stopped Giving Feedback
Sex and relationship coach Gemma Nice, speaking for Superdrug Online Doctor, says this can indicate broken communication or even a form of "quiet quitting" from the relationship. Rebuilding requires creating space for honest, vulnerable conversations using "I" statements and listening without distraction.
5. The Timing Is Off
Biology plays a role here. Gemma Nice points out that men typically last five to seven minutes, while women often need 20–30 minutes to climax. Finishing first isn't the issue; the problem arises if you don't ensure your partner's pleasure too. Open dialogue about what feels good and how to help them reach orgasm is essential.
6. You Treat Sex Like a Performance
Trying too hard can backfire. Annabelle Knight emphasises that the best sex is a co-created experience, not a solo act. "Slow everything down. Focus on sensations, not self-critique," she advises. Ask your partner what they enjoy and build from there, rather than trying to impress.
7. Your Pleasure Is the Main Focus
When sex becomes solely about your release, it creates an unbalanced dynamic. Gemma Nice says this often stems from a lack of empathy. To correct course, pay close attention to your partner's cues—their expressions, sounds, and breathing. She recommends an exercise: spend five minutes focused solely on giving pleasure, then five minutes receiving it.
8. There's No Spontaneity
Predictable, routine sex can push a relationship into a rut, eroding intimacy. Gemma Nice's solution is to start dating each other again. Ask first-date questions, try new activities, and commit to a weekly date night to rebuild the emotional connection. "Once you do this, things will start to come naturally," she says.
9. You Skip Pillow Talk
Rolling over immediately after sex can foster feelings of rejection. Gemma Nice stresses that post-sex conversation is a crucial chance to reconnect. "Talk about things you liked about your sex session... Always communicating how you feel can really help to build the bond back again," she adds.
10. You Constantly Skip Foreplay
Many treat foreplay as an optional prelude, despite most women needing consistent clitoral stimulation and build-up to feel satisfied. Annabelle Knight advises extending foreplay and introducing toys. Gemma Nice adds that foreplay begins the moment your last session ends, through flirting and playful messages that maintain anticipation. She reminds couples that "communication is lubrication" just as much as actual lube is.
11. Your Partner Always Takes the Lead
If your partner constantly initiates, chooses positions, and sets the pace, they may be weary of carrying the emotional and erotic labour. Annabelle Knight suggests taking small risks to participate more actively. "Initiate a kiss, change positions, or suggest something you’d like to try. Confidence (even in tiny doses) transforms the entire energy," she says.
Moving Forward with Confidence
Recognising any of these signs is not a condemnation but an opportunity. The experts agree that the foundation of improvement is open communication, genuine curiosity about your partner's pleasure, and a willingness to shift focus from performance to shared experience. By addressing these areas, you can transform anxiety into confidence and revitalise your intimate connections.
