A seemingly friendly approach from a stranger in public might feel refreshing in the age of dating apps, but women across the UK are being targeted by so-called 'cold approachers' who film unsolicited interactions and post them online without consent.
What is Cold Approaching?
Cold approaching is a practice where men approach women in public places, often multiple women in a short time, while recording the encounter. These videos are then shared on social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram, purportedly to teach other men how to pick up women. However, the women filmed are rarely asked for permission, and their identities are often exposed.
In a recent viral TikTok, Amelia Sutton, 24, shared a clip of herself waiting for a date when a man approached her, calling her 'really beautiful.' Initially flattered, she captioned the video 'what a cutie.' But commenters quickly identified the man as a known 'cold approacher.'
Origins and Mainstreaming
The concept traces back to Neil Strauss's 2005 book The Game, which taught pickup techniques like 'negging'—undermining a woman's self-esteem to gain approval. While Strauss later denounced these methods, social media has amplified cold approaching. The hashtag #coldapproach has nearly 12,000 posts on TikTok, and Instagram videos on 'cold approach rules' amass over one million views.
Why It's Problematic
Psychosexual therapist Dr. Ben Davis explains that the constant filming indicates the primary audience is other men online, not the woman. 'These interactions are content. The woman is an unwilling participant in someone else's performance,' he says. 'It's a profound violation of her autonomy.'
Psychosexual therapist Natasha Silverman adds that teaching men to persist after rejection is dangerous. 'Women often 'fawn' or 'people please' to reduce harm, but men in pickup artist communities are taught that politeness equals consent,' she warns. 'It risks framing attraction as something that men can 'hack.''
Impact on Women and Men
Women constantly calculate threat from men, and being filmed without consent adds a layer of violation. Over 70% of UK women report experiencing sexual harassment in public, and violence against women and girls accounts for nearly 20% of all recorded crime. For men, bad advice promising confidence and connection often deepens insecurities while creating distress for women.
Is Cold Approaching Linked to Incels?
While incels believe approaching is futile, cold approachers think technique can overcome rejection. Both share a transactional view of women. Dr. Davis emphasizes that men need to do the 'harder internal work' rather than relying on manipulative tactics.
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