The Overwhelming Experience of Limerence
For months after her relationship ended, Anna* found herself trapped in a cycle of obsessive thoughts about her former partner. Each morning began with a jolt of intense grief that quickly transformed into consuming thoughts dominating nearly every waking hour. Her nights were spent replaying conversations and imagining reconciliations in what became an exhausting mental ritual.
While many people experience ordinary romantic yearning, Anna's situation escalated into something far more intense and distressing. "It felt invasive," she recalls. "Like my own mind was stalking me." What she initially believed was difficulty moving on from a breakup was actually a psychological phenomenon known as limerence.
Understanding the Psychology Behind Limerence
The term limerence was first introduced in the 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who documented cases of overwhelming, involuntary infatuation. Half a century later, the concept has gained renewed attention, amplified by modern technology, increasing loneliness, and the growing integration of therapeutic language into everyday culture.
Orly Miller, a psychologist and author of the forthcoming book Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much, describes it as "an intense psychological state of obsessive longing for another person." She explains that unlike ordinary attraction, limerence involves intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and a powerful desire for reciprocation that significantly disrupts daily life.
Miller highlights how today's digital environment creates ideal conditions for limerence to thrive. "Social media keeps people hovering on the edge of connection, sustaining fantasy and emotional ambiguity," she notes. The resulting cycle often manifests as compulsive behaviours: constantly checking phones, replaying memories, idealising moments, and imagining future encounters.
When Passionate Love Becomes Problematic
Limerence overlaps significantly with what researchers term passionate love - a normal, often intense stage of early romantic development frequently compared to addiction. Dr Emma Marshall, deputy director of Deakin University's Science of Adult Relationships Lab, explains that while passionate love should ideally be adaptive and beneficial for relationship formation, it becomes concerning when it transforms into obsession.
Passionate love becomes problematic when it "becomes an obsession that disrupts daily functioning, wellbeing and occurs within unsatisfying and unhealthy relationships," Marshall clarifies.
Associate Professor Sam Shpall, who teaches moral philosophy at the University of Sydney, offers a contrasting perspective, cautioning against viewing limerence purely as pathology. "Tennov rejected the view that limerence is inherently unhealthy," he states. "It's a distinctive form of human longing, transformative and sometimes destabilising, but not necessarily bad."
Recognising and Addressing Unhealthy Limerence
Clinical psychologist Phoebe Rogers identifies that certain individuals may be more vulnerable to experiencing limerence. "Those who have experienced trauma, a one-sided, unrequited love was often modelled to them early in life; or unsafe, unhealthy forms of love," she explains. "Those with a more insecure attachment style are thought to be more at risk."
Miller emphasises that limerence becomes unhealthy when it interferes with work, relationships, or self-esteem. "If thoughts of the other dominate your life, if you're in distress and can't stop despite trying, that's when help is needed," she advises.
Therapy can be particularly effective in helping individuals regulate emotions, recognise patterns of idealisation, and understand the attachment wounds that often fuel obsessive thinking. Miller stresses the importance of distinguishing limerence from more serious conditions, noting that limerence is not the same as stalking or erotomania, where individuals hold fixed delusions about being loved in return.
Both Miller and Rogers agree that limerence often reflects deeper, unmet needs for validation, safety, or excitement. Recognising limerence for what it represents can be profoundly liberating, allowing individuals to redirect their energy toward healthier forms of connection and self-understanding.
*Name has been changed
