For many adults in the UK, navigating a relationship with difficult parents is a complex and emotionally charged journey. While therapy has provided a generation with the language to understand their upbringing, a leading expert warns that using clinical terms directly with parents often backfires.
Why Therapy Speak Can Hinder Healing
LJ Jones, an author and accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, has highlighted a crucial communication pitfall. She explains that while phrases like 'gaslighting' or 'protecting your peace' are meaningful in a therapeutic context, they can sound clinical and critical to an older generation.
'Many parents were raised in a time when emotional intelligence and open communication about feelings were largely unheard of,' Jones tells Metro. Using psychological terms others don't understand triggers defensiveness instead of the desired self-reflection and accountability.
The core issue, according to Jones, is a lack of translation. True communication happens when you express therapeutic insights in a way your family can understand and relate to. This approach can turn language from a barrier into a bridge, potentially fostering connection rather than estrangement.
Five Phrases to Avoid and What to Say Instead
Jones identifies five common pieces of therapy speak that are likely to alienate parents and suggests more effective, gentler alternatives.
Instead of saying 'I'm protecting my peace,' try: 'I need some time to calm down, can we talk later?' This frames the need for space in a more relatable and less confrontational way.
Instead of accusing a parent of being 'emotionally immature,' try: 'I find it hard to talk about emotions between us – can we try a different approach?' This focuses on the shared communication difficulty rather than assigning a clinical label.
Instead of claiming 'You're gaslighting me,' try: 'When my feelings are dismissed, I feel unseen. Can I explain what I meant?' This expresses the personal impact of the behaviour without using an accusatory term.
Instead of declaring 'I need to set boundaries,' try: 'I'm trying to find balance in my life to support my wellbeing, I hope you'll understand.' This explains the reasoning behind the boundary in a softer, more hopeful manner.
The Goal is Connection, Not Silence
Jones is quick to clarify that the objective is not to silence yourself or abandon your healing journey. 'The goal isn't to silence yourself, it's to be heard,' she adds. You can still protect your wellbeing and set firm boundaries, but the potential for connection can depend significantly on how you articulate your needs.
This approach is especially valuable for those whose parents show a willingness to engage. 'True healing and connection happens when self-awareness meets compassion and both parties are willing to do the work,' Jones concludes. For those navigating these challenging dynamics, choosing accessible language might just be the key to opening a more honest and productive dialogue.
