There is a peculiar festive tradition as reliable as tinsel and turkey: developing a sudden, intense attraction to the most emotionally unavailable person in the room. As the year winds down, the urge to see a 'project' in a surly Scrooge or a cynical heartthrob becomes almost irresistible.
The Festive Appeal of the 'Fixer-Upper'
It might be the former school football captain, now insufferable, who you lock eyes with in a hometown pub. Or perhaps it's the overly competitive colleague whose ideas normally steamroll your own. Suddenly, at the Christmas party, the thought arises: 'Maybe I can change him?'.
This phenomenon is a seasonal staple. From The Grinch's snarky, tall-frame allure to Ebenezer Scrooge's 'Bah humbug' grumpiness, the morally grey anti-hero dominates our festive stories. The narrative of the optimistic person who believes they can transform them is equally enduring.
But why does this impulse peak during the holidays? Clare Pattinson, a therapist for the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, suggests several reasons. "It may be that over Christmas we have more time on our hands, or possibly there is a loneliness the festive season can bring," she told Metro.
Psychotherapist Eloise Skinner agrees, noting the season makes us feel "particularly nostalgic, sentimental, relaxed – or simply just have more free time" to entertain such thoughts.
The Psychology Behind the 'Rescue' Fantasy
The desire isn't just about festive goodwill. Clare Pattinson explains that attempting to fix someone can fulfil a personal need. "It can be very appealing to feel we can 'fix' someone as it can give us a sense of power, control, or even meaning in our lives," she said. This creates a feel-good factor, as we believe we're improving another's life.
This tendency can be stronger for those who held caring roles in their upbringing. Furthermore, Clare suggests it can act as a distraction. "Perhaps we find it hard to control what is going on in ourselves, so changing someone 'out there' can distract us from facing our own feelings and lack of autonomy," she added.
Why the 'Project' Relationship is Doomed to Fail
Despite the allure, especially after a few mulled wines, therapists warn strongly against this path. Clare Pattinson states that 'project' relationships are built on a foundation of lack. "If two people meet in the hope that someday the other partner will be who they want them to be, there is already a dynamic of lack," she explained.
She warns that the unfulfilled expectations are hard to overcome, and often, "the idea of the other person changing is the glue that held it together."
Eloise Skinner highlights that healthy relationships require "reciprocal dialogue between partners, a sense of shared respect, integrity and personal dignity." Trying to fix someone fundamentally shifts this balance, making a stable, sustainable connection unlikely.
The clear advice as we head into 2026 is to avoid self-inflicted heartache. Instead of trying to reform a local 'red flag', focus on seeking connections that feel natural from the start. "We don't seek healthy relationships out of a place of lack or neediness, it's when something clicks, feels natural or familiar," Clare advises.
So this holiday season, use your time off for self-reflection and personal growth. Work on yourself, not on the Scrooges and the cynics. Hold out for a genuine, reciprocal romance rather than a festive renovation project. Your new year self will thank you for it.
