A seemingly innocent phrase uttered during sex has been called out as a 'backhanded' compliment that can instantly ruin the mood, according to a viral Reddit thread. The sentence 'I like that you like it' garnered more than 2,300 upvotes as one of the worst things to say in the bedroom, with many users saying it makes them question whether their partner is actually enjoying the act.
Why 'I like that you like it' can be a mood killer
While the phrase might sound positive on the surface, Reddit user u/thesteelreserve explained: 'It's a bit…backhanded. It's like they're saying “I care about you and the things you like” and “I don't actually think this is hot, not into it” simultaneously.'
Another user, u/xTrainerRedx, shared a personal experience: 'Heard that one many times when trying to make my girlfriend feel good. Could be kissing her neck or giving oral. That response cut deep each time. When I'd ask what she liked so I could do anything to please her and make her feel good: “I don't know. I don't really know my own body.”'
Psychosexual and relationship therapist Kayte Callaghan told Metro that the phrase isn't 'automatically bad' but agreed it can ruin the moment. 'If someone hears, “I like that you like it”, they may start wondering if their partner is actually enjoying it. That can quickly take them out of the moment and into their head, making it harder to stay connected to their own pleasure,' she said.
The psychology behind freudenfreude in the bedroom
Hannah Jackson-McCamley, a BACP-registered psychotherapist specialising in identity, sex and relationships, noted that 'joy in another person's pleasure is known as freudenfreude' and that such a comment can indicate genuine arousal from a partner's enjoyment, assuming all involved are consenting and authentic.
However, she warned that the phrase could be problematic if it reflects a wider passivity in the relationship. 'Where you should watch out is if comments like this are representative of a wider passivity in the relationship, where one partner cannot articulate their needs or desires perhaps because of the power dynamic inherent to the couple, conflict avoidance, low self-worth or even a trauma response of freeze or fawn,' Hannah said. 'If there is a sense that this is happening or the act is not actually consensual, this needs to be confronted with an open mind and a gentle heart so that each person can ensure that they feel safe. Safety is key to good sex!'
How to communicate your desires effectively
Hannah advises that talking during sex isn't the best time to address issues. 'Despite sex being a pretty popular activity and intrinsic to our very existence, sex as a talking subject is loaded for a lot of people. Therefore, communication about it needs to start slow. Conversations need to be respectful so that when needs and desires are expressed, we are at our most receptive to consider, discuss and negotiate.'
She recommends scheduling a conversation at a time and place where both partners feel secure and comfortable, starting with just five minutes of talking. Use 'I' statements such as 'I like it when you' rather than 'you make me feel', and be clear about what you would like, taking responsibility for your own actions.
'Talking doesn't mean you are entitled to getting your needs met or desires fulfilled, and it may take time to reach a point when everyone is super satisfied. But communication is at the heart of good sex, so let each other know what you like,' Hannah added. 'As confidence around the subject grows, the conversations may become more flirtatious and playful. But even when we're feeling assured, check in, care and stay curious about what you and your lover enjoy.'
Ultimately, if your partner still says 'I like that you like it' after open communication, you can at least trust that their response is honest and authentic.
