The Unspoken Struggle of Lifelong Singleness
For many single people in their 30s, certain well-intentioned phrases from friends and family have become all too familiar. First, there's the underlying assumption that being uncoupled indicates something is fundamentally wrong. Then comes the bewildered questioning of how someone with so many positive qualities could possibly remain single. However, one particular line has emerged as especially difficult for those navigating this reality.
'It'll Happen For You': The Problem with Platitudes
Luke, a 30-something who has been single his entire life and shares his experiences on TikTok as @lukedoeslife, recently highlighted the phrase he finds most challenging to hear. "The most difficult thing is when well-meaning friends say: 'Don't worry, it'll happen for you,'" he explained to his followers. "It doesn't give space for what you're feeling, which is that it might not, that it genuinely might not."
Luke elaborated that such reassurances can feel dismissive because they fail to acknowledge the grief associated with relationships that haven't materialised or may never exist. "It's almost like it's batting away any negative emotions," he observed. He has previously expressed concerns about potential loneliness in later years and worries that coupled friends might eventually have less time for him.
While recognising that these comments typically come from a place of genuine care, Luke notes they often miss the mark. "They're your friends, they see your best side, so they might genuinely think 'I don't know why you're single,'" he said. "But it doesn't take into account that there's so much luck involved, and I think it does get harder as you get older. You've got other things going on, and I have less time than I used to."
A Shared Experience Across Age Groups
Luke's reflections resonated deeply within his online community, sparking widespread recognition among followers. One 35-year-old woman commented that she has never experienced a romantic relationship, comparing her chances of finding mutual attraction to winning the lottery. Another user emphasised the role of sheer luck in meeting a compatible partner, while a 42-year-old woman acknowledged she might remain single permanently, describing a complex emotional landscape of mostly acceptance punctuated by overwhelming moments.
Additional comments highlighted the emotional whiplash between hope and grief that many single people experience, particularly as they navigate societal expectations and personal desires for partnership.
Why Reassurance Can Backfire
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer explains that when friends and family assure single people that "there's someone out there," they usually intend to rescue them from difficult feelings. However, this approach frequently proves counterproductive. "These words of reassurance often have the opposite effect – as they end up invalidating the other person's feelings," she notes.
Sturmer continues: "The reality is that they may well be feeling a natural sense of anxiety or worry, and telling them to ignore it or dismiss it or suppress it can leave them feeling uncomfortable or misunderstood. What we really need is to be listened to, to have our feelings validated."
Navigating Uncertainty and Finding Control
According to Sturmer, learning to live with uncertainty represents one of life's most challenging lessons, particularly when it involves the prospect of finding a life partner. This uncertainty often brings feelings of disappointment, frustration, and grief about life unfolding differently than anticipated.
For those experiencing these emotions, Sturmer recommends tuning into feelings rather than avoiding them. "It's important to give them space and explore them," she advises. "It's also important to reflect on what our life might look like, and what we can control. Even if we can't control whether or not we will meet someone, are there other things that we can do that will bring us joy, satisfaction, and a sense of connection?"
The conversation highlights a growing recognition that support for single friends might be more effective when it involves listening and validation rather than optimistic predictions about an uncertain future.
