For a man we'll call Harry, the festive season was not a time of joy, but a period of intense dread. Each year, the approach of Christmas brought a familiar wave of anxiety and profound isolation, a feeling that it was somehow too late to change his experience.
The Weight of Festive Expectations
Harry's distress would begin to build in the weeks before Christmas. He felt overwhelmed by the constant soundtrack of carols, the proliferation of decorations, and the cheerful well-wishes from strangers. A particular source of anxiety was the inevitable question about his Christmas plans.
His feelings were compounded by a colleague's lengthy commentary on her own festive burdens. Her complaints about a hectic social diary, school events, competing lunch invitations, and the cost of gifts served as a stark reminder that for Harry, Christmas symbolised isolation and sadness, not togetherness and cheer.
Harry's childhood Christmases had been tense and miserly, shaped by parental marital discord, financial strain, and distance from extended family. While university friends provided companionship in early adulthood, Christmas became increasingly solitary as they married and started their own family traditions.
A Multifaceted Therapeutic Approach
In therapy with clinical psychologist Dr Bianca Denny, it became clear that Harry's Christmas distress was an amplification of feelings he experienced at other times, like his birthday. The work focused on three timeframes: the past, the present, and future Christmases.
The first step was to challenge Harry's assumptions about the season. He held an idealised, 'Hallmark' image of Christmas as perfect for everyone but himself. Therapy evaluated thoughts such as: "There's something wrong with me if I spend Christmas alone," and "People only invite me out of pity."
He had held onto the hope for a Christmas as busy as his colleague's, but given his history and circumstances, this was unrealistic. Acknowledging the difficulties of Christmases past allowed space to grieve for what might have been different.
Strategies for the Present and Building a New Future
For the immediate festive season, practical strategies were discussed. Harry knew the options: accept an invitation, volunteer, attend a community 'orphan's lunch', or plan a solo activity like a hike. While this planning offered some relief, it wasn't enough to address his deeper, longer-term distress.
The more significant work involved forging new Christmas experiences for years to come. By challenging his assumptions, Harry developed a more balanced view. He identified his core values for the season: social connection, inclusion, and kindness, rather than materialism.
He understood that social connectedness next Christmas depended on building relationships throughout the coming year. He made plans to join meet-up groups, reconnect with old friends, and engage with community activities. Crucially, he accepted a Christmas Eve invitation, directly challenging his belief that such offers were made out of pity.
Harry also reframed his view of spending time alone. Recognising his quieter, introverted personality, he saw the value in balancing socialising with necessary time for rest and recuperation.
No Panacea, But a Path Forward
Therapy was not a magic cure for Harry's Christmas dread. His deep-seated distress was difficult to shake completely. However, key gains were made. The process of avoiding comparisons with others and challenging his own festive assumptions proved vital. It equipped him with the perspective needed to make the best of both the current and future holiday seasons, moving towards a Christmas defined by his own values, not societal pressure.
In the UK, support is available from the charity Mind on 0300 123 3393. Dr Bianca Denny is a clinical psychologist and author based in Melbourne.
