The festive season, while a time for joy for many, can be a source of significant stress and anxiety for others when it comes to navigating complex family dynamics. The pressure to have a perfect day can lead to tension, arguments, and emotional exhaustion. We spoke to leading therapists and relationship experts, including those registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), to compile a practical guide for surviving – and perhaps even enjoying – your family Christmas.
Strategic Preparation: Your Pre-Christmas Game Plan
Success often lies in preparation. Katie Rose, a BACP-registered therapist and founder of TherapEast, emphasises the importance of planning breaks if you're staying for several days. "Politely schedule time out," she advises. "Meet local friends, visit a museum, or explore a National Trust property to create essential breathing space." Tamara Hoyton, a senior practitioner for Relate at Family Action, agrees, suggesting tasks like cooking to provide a legitimate reason to step away from the main group.
Managing your internal state is crucial. Georgina Sturmer, another BACP-registered counsellor, recommends practising grounding exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique beforehand. "Notice five things you can see, four you can feel, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste," she says. "This anchors you in the present and reduces anxiety."
Conversation planning is a key defensive tactic. Lucy Blake, author of Home Truths and a psychology lecturer at the University of the West of England, suggests anticipating difficult topics and preparing neutral alternatives or polite deflection phrases like, "I find this a difficult topic to talk about." Bring distractions, but choose wisely – opt for innocuous trivia cards or silly games over potentially controversial options.
Finally, assemble your support network or "troops," as Blake calls them. This could be a trusted friend on standby or a group WhatsApp chat. Hoyton even recommends establishing a code word with an ally at the gathering – such as asking for bourbon biscuits – as a discreet signal for help.
Navigating The Big Day: In-the-Moment Techniques
When you're in the thick of it, employ active strategies to maintain calm. With tricky relatives, let them lead the conversation. "Ask open questions about their interests, like a recent holiday," advises Hoyton. "You might zone out, but it keeps things smooth." Sturmer suggests prompts like "What's new with you?" to encourage safe, flowing dialogue.
Breathing techniques are a powerful, immediate tool. Blake points to the strong research behind practices like box breathing (inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four), used even by marines to regulate physiology. Sturmer recommends five-finger breathing, tracing your fingers as you inhale and exhale.
Monitor your emotional temperature. Hoyton advises rating your feelings on a scale of 1 to 10. "If you're at a seven, ask what would bring you to a six. Do you need fresh air, a distraction, or a breathing exercise?"
Have exit strategies ready. "Politely extricate yourself if things get heated," says Rose. Excuse yourself to make a call, put the kettle on, or use the bathroom. Apps like Calm or Headspace can offer a quick meditation refuge. "Avoiding the argument prevents everyone from getting wound up," Rose adds.
Practice self-compassion if you feel upset. Blake recommends acknowledging that feelings of anger or hurt are common in families. She cites the work of Dr Kristin Neff on self-compassion, which includes simple gestures like placing a hand on your heart and acknowledging the struggle.
Post-Christmas Recovery and Reflection
Once the festivities are over, allow time to decompress and process. If you can't stop ruminating, try writing it down. "Journaling what you experienced and felt can get it out of your head," says Hoyton. Sturmer notes the evidence that articulating feelings this way reduces anxiety.
If interactions were particularly distressing or you notice repeating negative patterns, consider therapy. "Therapy offers a non-judgmental space to explore why you respond to certain people in certain ways," explains Sturmer. Rose adds that even short-term or single-session therapy can be beneficial.
Reflect honestly on your own role. "Sometimes it's about apologising and recognising your part in a difficult interaction," says Rose. Conversely, also acknowledge when a situation was beyond your control. "Accept that some family members are just difficult. Focus on what you can control: your own actions."
Most importantly, actively recharge. "Lean into things that make you feel like yourself," urges Blake. Reconnect with your support network, return to your routine, and seek out people and places that help your nervous system relax. The holiday is over; now it's time for your own wellbeing.
