For over two decades, a close friendship has become a source of emotional strain as one woman finds herself constantly playing audience to her friend's monologues. The writer admires her friend's resilience in overcoming life challenges, but now faces a difficult decision about their relationship's future.
The Pattern of Self-Absorption
The friend has experienced multiple instances where people have unexpectedly disappeared from her life. Her husband left her suddenly, and many mutual friends vanished alongside him. More recently, her employer turned against her despite her excellent work performance, leaving her bewildered about the reasons.
Since both women have retired, they've been spending more time together, revealing a troubling dynamic. Every conversation inevitably shifts back to the friend's interests and opinions. When the writer attempts to introduce different topics or suggest fact-checking for strong political views, these efforts are consistently dismissed.
The Holiday Planning Breakdown
The tension became particularly evident when the friend planned a holiday to a country where the writer had extensive experience, having lived there for some time. Rather than welcoming insights and advice, the friend only sought confirmation for her own choices. This pattern has left the writer feeling undervalued and avoiding their planned catch-up following her recent month-long trip to the same country.
The writer recognises the friend's history of being blindsided by departures and doesn't want to replicate this pattern by cutting ties without explanation. However, she doubts her friend would ever understand how her behaviour impacts the writer's self-esteem.
Expert Advice from a Psychotherapist
Noel Bell, a UKCP-registered psychotherapist, recommends addressing the issue directly rather than avoiding it. He suggests a three-step conflict resolution approach:
- Factually describe what typically happens in their conversations
- Explain how this behaviour makes you feel
- Ask how both parties can change the friendship dynamics
Bell emphasises that face-to-face communication in a relaxed, private setting is ideal, as it allows for reading body language and addressing questions directly. While writing a letter remains an option, personal interaction might be more effective if the friend values the relationship.
The psychotherapist acknowledges that some people maintain survival narratives where they cannot accept responsibility for relationship problems. Even if the friend initially dismisses the concerns, she might later reflect on the conversation. The act of honest communication can provide personal peace regardless of the outcome.
Annalisa Barbieri, who addresses personal problems in her Guardian column, suggests practicing active listening during such conversations. One powerful technique involves telling the other person: Now you talk and I'm going to not say anything for half an hour - an approach she describes as wildly effective for managing differences.
