A young adult woman has disclosed that her older male cousin touched her inappropriately when she was six and he was 12, with a second alleged incident occurring eight years later. The revelation has shattered her previously close extended family, prompting her parents—both survivors of childhood sexual abuse—to ask whether the cousin now poses a threat to younger family members. The woman has stated she does not want an investigation and has declined counselling, while her cousin, who says he cannot recall the incidents, is accessing psychological support for mental health issues.
Expert guidance on supporting the survivor
In response to the family's dilemma, Annalisa Barbieri, writing in The Guardian, consulted Rachel Haynes, head of young people's services at the Lucy Faithfull Foundation. Haynes described the situation as “complex” and emphasized that the young woman's safety—both physical and emotional—must come first. “What’s important in these situations is to take things at her pace,” Haynes said. “Often when people have experienced sexual harm, agency and choice has been taken away.”
Haynes stressed that no one should pressure the survivor to report the perpetrator, as that would repeat the removal of agency. “Positioning her at the centre of this is important. Giving her safe places to talk and mirroring her language can help her feel heard,” she added. The family should also consider potential risks to any young people in the cousin's orbit, especially given the significant age gap—a “significant power difference” as Haynes put it.
Understanding the prevalence and impact
Haynes noted that 30-50% of child sexual abuse occurs between children, challenging the assumption that such harm is less damaging. “There’s an assumption that harm displayed between children is less harmful and that’s not the case. Sexual harm of any form is incredibly damaging and can have lasting impact,” she explained. The family's history of abuse also raises questions about whether other members have been affected.
Practical steps for the family
Haynes recommended contacting the Lucy Faithfull Foundation's Stop It Now helpline or the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC). Stop It Now can help the family create a “family safety plan” to discuss risks, such as whether the man should have unsupervised contact with children. “It’s not about demonising him,” Haynes said, “but about keeping people safe.” The helpline can also explain the process if the woman ever decides to report to the police, and can separately support the man.
The family is advised to appoint someone to coordinate these efforts, while ensuring no one takes power away from the young woman. Names have been changed. Support resources in the UK include the NSPCC (0800 1111 for children, 0808 800 5000 for adults) and NAPAC (0808 801 0331 for adult survivors). In the US, the Childhelp hotline is 800-422-4453; in Australia, Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800), Bravehearts (1800 272 831), and Blue Knot Foundation (1300 657 380) offer assistance.
