A simple remark about spotting a bird could be the latest litmus test for the health of your romantic relationship, according to a trend sweeping social media. The so-called 'bird theory' has taken hold on platforms like TikTok and Instagram, suggesting that a partner's response to such a minor observation reveals their genuine level of interest.
What Is the Bird Theory and Where Did It Come From?
The concept originates from established psychological research, not social media. In 2022, renowned psychologist Julie Gottman explained the idea of a 'bid for connection' in the New York Times. She described it as an attempt to receive attention, affirmation, or affection from a partner.
Her classic example was the exclamation: 'Wow, look at that beautiful bird out the window!' This acts as an invitation for a partner to share in a moment. Bids can be big or small, verbal or non-verbal, ranging from a sigh to a direct request for a date night. The critical factor, according to Gottman, is whether a partner 'turns towards' the bid and acknowledges it.
This theory is backed by long-term research. Julie Gottman and her husband, John Gottman, tracked newlyweds for six years starting in 1986. Their findings were stark: couples who stayed together responded to bids about 86% of the time, while those who divorced averaged only a 33% response rate.
Why Has This Concept Gone Viral on TikTok?
According to licensed psychotherapist Landis Behar, owner of AisleTalk, therapists have discussed bids for connection long before they became an online trend. She notes that such trends provide a language for a common but often unspoken experience, helping to validate people's feelings.
Paul Eastwick, a professor at the University of California, Davis who studies relationships, explains that these bids are attempts to build a shared reality. Happy couples often feel like part of a team with a common worldview.
Social media has distilled this complex research into the 'bird test'. A popular Reddit post from four years ago seems to have presaged the trend, stating: 'If a wife says 'look at that beautiful bird' and the husband blows it off, that's a strong indication they'll divorce.'
Can the Bird Theory Actually Help Your Relationship?
Experts agree that paying attention to small, daily moments is crucial for relationship satisfaction, especially as grand gestures become rarer over time. Joanne Davila, a distinguished professor of psychology at Stony Brook University, says studies show that when partners respond with enthusiasm to each other's positive feelings, it fosters healthier bonds.
Davila also links the concept to attachment theory, suggesting our childhood attachment styles shape our adult emotional needs. She emphasises three key skills for relationship success: self-awareness, communicating needs, and managing feelings.
However, experts caution against using the 'bird test' as a definitive diagnostic tool. 'It's on the benign end of the spectrum,' says Davila. 'It's a way of getting some information about whether your partner is paying attention to your interests, but it's not a substitute for really assessing if there's a problem.' Happy couples don't need a 100% response rate to all bids.
How to Use the Concept Constructively
Psychotherapist Landis Behar advises against springing a random bird comment on your partner as a test. A confused response doesn't equate to failure. Instead, use the theory as a conversation starter. Explain why the idea of 'bids for connection' resonates with you.
It's vital to learn your partner's unique style of bidding for attention. As Davila points out, 'People have different ways of showing how they care.' An accepted invitation for a walk or tasting food they've prepared could be a significant bid you're missing.
Most importantly, be realistic and interpret reactions in context. A bid ignored during a work crisis or a season finale says more about the limits of attention than your relationship's quality. Behar stresses that bids aren't a formal intervention but happen constantly in nuanced ways. Building an atmosphere where both partners can be direct about needs is the ultimate goal.
As with any social media trend, critical thinking is essential. 'Social media can be a learning opportunity,' concludes Davila, 'but not everything we see on social media needs to apply to us.'
