After a gruelling week at work, Deborah Joseph arrived at her London home one evening in 2019 to a scene familiar to millions. The moment she walked through the door at 7pm, her husband asked what was for dinner while their children, then aged two, four, and six, were in the midst of a screaming match.
Overwhelmed, Deborah made a decisive U-turn. She left the house, got in her car, and drove for two hours, abandoning the evening's responsibilities. "I literally walked out... I just thought: 'I can't. Something's got to change,'" she recalls. That pivotal moment sparked a radical shift in her family's approach to domestic life and led her to patent the concept of living a '70% life'.
What is 70/30 Parenting?
The core principle is simple: strive to live 100% of your life, but only 70% of the time. The remaining 30% is consciously relinquished, freeing parents from the exhausting and unrealistic pursuit of perfection. For Deborah, who was the Editor-in-Chief of GLAMOUR UK at the time, this meant her husband taking on more of the household's mental load, such as joining school WhatsApp groups, while she committed to doing 30% less.
"I don't think you can do 100% in life, and if you do, you end up burnt out, miserable and actually not doing anything well," Deborah explains. Her personal 30% reduction involved securing extra childcare help and giving herself permission to not sweat the small stuff.
The Psychological Benefits of Imperfection
This philosophy has been embraced and expanded upon by parenting experts, who argue that showing children a curated imperfection is vital for their development. Parenting author and mother-of-four Sarah Ockwell-Smith suggests that 70/30 parenting allows children to see crucial 'flaws' in their role models.
"If you're always perfect, that's a really unrealistic role model for your kids," Ockwell-Smith told the BBC. "They'll never learn how to make mistakes or know how to apologise."
Psychotherapist Julia Goodall strongly supports this view. She states it is "really important for children's sense of self" to witness their parents being imperfect and coping with it. "When they see someone they admire and love making manageable mistakes... it will help them to build the belief that they too can make mistakes and will be alright," Goodall tells us.
Interestingly, research into early attachment indicates that parents only need to be 'getting it right' 30% of the time for a child to form a secure attachment, making a 70% target more than adequate.
Putting Theory into Daily Practice
So, what does 70/30 parenting look like on a tough Tuesday? It might mean adhering to 'gentle parenting' techniques 70% of the time but forgiving yourself for the occasional lapse. It could be allowing a toddler some screen time after a day of tantrums has left everyone drained.
Deborah offers reassurance: "They are not going to be in counselling slagging you off in 30 years' time because you put them in front of the TV for an hour." She emphasises that a parent's mental wellbeing is paramount. "If you're not in a good way mentally, then you can't be the best mother for them. So sometimes, you have to put yourself first in order to be the best parent."
This extends to showing emotion. Julia Goodall encourages parents to let children see them cry occasionally, as it models healthy emotional processing. She advises narrating these moments: "I felt so overwhelmed this morning! I planned too many things... I'm learning to be better at listening to my body."
Now a freelance writer working on a book, Deborah applies the 70/30 rule differently as her children have grown into teenagers. Her '30%' now involves strategically picking her battles—she no longer comments on what her daughters wear or engages in daily rows about untidy bedrooms. "I can just close the door," she says, focusing instead on nutrition and one-on-one time.
Ultimately, the 70/30 model is a personal framework, not a rigid prescription. Deborah concludes: "It's just a personal decision for every single woman about how they want to live, and how they want to bring up their kids." The goal is not universal perfection, but a sustainable, happier family life where everyone, parents included, has the space to be human.
