The Emotional Landscape of Choosing Solo Motherhood
At 36 years old, after a decade of dedicated dating efforts, a woman has made the positive decision to become a single mother by choice. Despite having many excellent friendships and considering herself "very lucky," she acknowledges experiencing deep sadness and regret about not forming a romantic relationship with someone who wanted to have children with her.
During a pre-screening psychological counselling session, a psychologist highlighted the grief many women in her situation experience when they cannot have the family they originally envisioned. Although she had worked extensively on self-acceptance with her own therapist, this conversation brought forth powerful emotions she continues to navigate.
Confronting Feelings of Isolation and Envy
The woman finds herself set apart from most women her age in her social and professional circles, where she observes peers receiving companionship and support from their partners. This difference became particularly poignant when a colleague announced her pregnancy.
"I was happy for her, but for the rest of the day all I wanted to do was cry," she shared, describing feelings of complete isolation. Despite successfully overcoming feelings of being unlovable through therapeutic work, she finds this particular challenge more difficult to overcome as she moves forward with her plans to become a mother.
Expert Guidance for Psychological Wellbeing
Psychotherapist Julia Bueno identified that the woman's feelings represented a "reactivation of the 'unlovable'" that might connect to childhood experiences, noting that considering parenthood often brings up early life material. Bueno referenced US psychologist Janet Jaffe, a specialist in reproductive trauma, who explains that everyone carries a "reproductive story" about how they envision building a family as adults.
Bueno commended the implications counselling the woman received through her clinic, which is a prerequisite in certain situations from clinics licensed by the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority. The psychologist was described as "wise" for addressing the sense of loss that solo mothers-to-be commonly experience but might disavow in their effort to remain positive.
Bueno suggested several strategies for managing these complex emotions, including "writing a letter to your grieving self from the perspective of a compassionate other" that acknowledges both the loss and personal strengths. She also recommended connecting with other solo mothers through organisations like gingerbread.org.uk and the Donor Conception Network, as well as reading Susan Golombok's book We Are Family.
The woman's thoughtful approach to her journey and her commitment to becoming a psychologically healthy parent demonstrates the depth of consideration she's giving to this life-changing decision, suggesting she's likely to provide exactly the supportive environment she hopes to create for her future child.
