Is My Colleague Lying About Having Cancer?
A reader writes that a new coworker shares dramatic stories of injuries and traumatic events, including a recent cancer diagnosis. The reader, having experienced a similar situation with a university friend who lied about cancer, feels torn between empathy and suspicion. They have begun gossiping about the colleague with non-work friends.
Expert Insight from Prof Alessandra Lemma
Psychologist and psychoanalyst Prof Alessandra Lemma suggests the core issue is not whether the colleague is lying, but the emotional position the reader has been placed in. The reader’s past experience with a liar who claimed to have cancer influences their current reactions, creating a familiar tangle of guilt, mistrust, and manipulation.
Lemma notes that the reader may have grown up around exaggeration or lies, leading to an exhausting search for truth. The reader feels compelled to either believe the dramatic disclosures or risk being seen as cruel, unable to tolerate uncertainty.
Practical Advice
Lemma advises against becoming a detective. Instead, respond with ordinary human sympathy, such as “That sounds hard,” without deciding the truth of every detail. The key is to set boundaries and tolerate uncertainty, asking not only “Is this person lying?” but “Why do I feel so compelled to decide?” The truth lies in the suffering the lie points to.
The reader should avoid gossip, which itself becomes a form of lying. By maintaining compassion without credulity, they can protect their own well-being while being supportive.
