End-of-Life Chaplain's Vital Advice: Create Memory Boxes Before It's Too Late
An experienced end-of-life care chaplain has shared crucial guidance that she wishes more people knew before facing their final moments. Carol Tefler, a former nurse who has supported countless individuals through terminal illness since joining Marie Curie in Glasgow in 2020, emphasises one particularly important action that many delay until it becomes impossible.
The Heartbreaking Reality of Procrastination
'It's the one thing I find really sad,' Carol reveals, recalling a poignant example that illustrates her point perfectly. 'I had a patient who came in and said "I really want to do a memory box for both of my children". They were so keen and I offered to help, but then they said "I just don't feel up to it today Carol, can you come back tomorrow?"'
Carol explains how this patient repeatedly emphasised their determination, stating 'if I do nothing else, I want to do that for my children, I want to leave that for them to remember me by.' Tragically, the constant postponement continued until energy levels diminished completely. 'They put it off and put it off, and then eventually it was too late – they just didn't have the energy to do it. They passed away without it being done.'
The Profound Impact of Preserving Memories
'People are often fearful that their family will forget them, that they will move on. That's why memory boxes are so important,' Carol tells us. Beyond addressing this fundamental human concern, she observes that 'patients themselves get a lot of satisfaction from leaving a message for their loved ones.'
One significant reason these creations prove so vital, according to Carol, is that end-of-life care frequently involves navigating considerable uncertainty. Constructing a memory box offers patients a precious sense of control during this challenging period. However, she stresses that these boxes serve dual purposes – they're just as much, 'if not more,' for the bereaved loved ones left behind.
'I've seen family members who found memory boxes, and that's so powerful for them,' Carol shares. 'They can't believe their loved one took the time to do that, so they have something to keep, moving forward.'
Creative Approaches to Memory Box Contents
Carol emphasises that there are 'no hard and fast rules' regarding what should go into a memory box – the contents entirely reflect personal choice and significance. 'People will sometimes want to put photographs in or they will put in something that's precious to them,' she explains. 'It's often an item that's significant to the family.'
The chaplain recalls touching examples that demonstrate the deeply personal nature of these collections. One woman left a memory box containing a sherbet lemon for her daughter to remember her favourite sweet. 'They can be full of silly little things,' Carol observes, mentioning another case where 'a man never without tissues left a packet of them in there.'
Written correspondence features prominently in many boxes, with patients often composing letters for loved ones to open during future special occasions. 'I've had people write cards for babies that weren't born yet,' Carol reveals. She describes one particularly dedicated mother who 'wrote 35 birthday cards for her daughter because she wanted her to have a birthday card up to her 70th birthday.'
Another gentleman adopted a different approach, filling a jar with 'things he wanted his granddaughter to know about him as she got older.'
Timing and Presentation Considerations
Based on her extensive experience, Carol notes that most people prefer to leave memory boxes behind to be discovered after their passing. 'They don't want to make a big thing about giving it, but they want to make sure that their family will find it,' she explains.
When family members do discover these precious collections, Carol offers gentle guidance: 'I say "You might not feel ready to open it just now, but it's something that your mum or your dad's left for you because they want to leave you some messages." That really captures their emotions.'
The Importance of Early Preparation
Carol advocates strongly for proactive thinking about memory boxes, regardless of current health status. 'People should absolutely start thinking about memory boxes, even if they are not in end-of-life care,' she insists.
She practices what she preaches, sharing that 'my colleagues all laugh at me because I've done them for my three kids and husband.' Her perspective is refreshingly practical: 'Everybody dies. So why not plan for it? We plan for birthdays, we plan for weddings, we plan for all sorts of celebrations, but we don't take the time to plan for our death.'
'Why not make it a celebration of you, and leave your family with messages to let them know how much you loved them,' Carol suggests. 'There's no regrets from anybody then.'
Practical Suggestions for Memory Box Creation
Prompt Cards: Carol recommends using notes with writing prompts to ease the process. Suggestions include phrases like 'you make me laugh when…', 'I remember…' or 'thank you for…'. 'People find it easier to write one or two sentences for each card – it makes it a little bit less emotionally draining on them.'
Personalised Items: Some individuals prefer leaving sentimental trinkets they've personalised rather than composing written messages. Meaningful examples Carol has encountered include hand casts and crocheted hearts, where families keep one while the patient rests with the matching piece.
Voice Recordings: While audio elements cannot physically reside within the box, many patients create complementary recordings. Carol describes one current Marie Curie patient who 'is in the process of creating audiobooks of her reading children's classics for her grandson.'
For those seeking support or information, the Marie Curie Support Line offers free assistance at 0800 090 2309, available Monday to Friday from 8am to 6pm, and Saturdays from 10am to 4pm.
