A non-binary parent has spoken about the constant misgendering they face, even after clearly stating their preference for they/them pronouns. The parent, who uses they/she but prefers 'they', described a recent encounter at a barbecue where a neighbour acknowledged their identity but immediately used 'she' when speaking to their partner.
'I'm non-binary', I told a neighbour. We were at a barbecue and talking about queerness. I went on to explain that although my pronouns are they/she and 'she' is acceptable, I much prefer 'they'. 'That's cool,' my neighbour replied, adding, 'My daughter is also non-binary.' I felt accepted – but then, just seconds later, that same person yelled to their partner at the grill: 'She said she wanted a hamburger!'
The parent, who asked not to be named, said they didn't correct the neighbour because they had said 'she' was acceptable, but they still felt disappointed. 'It wasn't the first time this had happened; far from it – which is why I reluctantly continue to offer up 'she' as a pronoun. It's exhausting having to constantly correct people I'll never see again.'
Discovering Non-Binary Identity
The parent first realised they were queer as a teenager in the late noughties, coming out as bisexual but lacking an understanding of gender expression. They never felt aligned with feminine beauty standards, preferring an androgynous look. It wasn't until college, when they met other non-binary people, that they found language for their identity.
'Surrounded by other queer folk, I realised I felt more at peace when people used they/them pronouns for me. I finally understood that 'she' felt so accusatory in my head – so direct, so wrong – because it wasn't who I was.'
Despite support from close friends, they didn't feel secure enough to come out publicly, fearing the need to defend their identity. Everything changed after becoming a mother.
Motherhood and Identity
Meeting their husband in 2017, marrying in 2020, and becoming pregnant in 2023 shifted their perspective. Pregnancy and childbirth gave them a new relationship with their body, leading them to see motherhood and womanhood as not necessarily connected.
'My anatomy allows me to be pregnant, no matter how I identify, it's just how my body works. But I'm also a spiritual person, so I see it as a very divine thing to be a mother. I felt like I was connecting with the essence of life itself.'
After maternity leave, they worked at a queer bookstore and bar, where they felt they found their people. In 2025, they came out as genderqueer, then non-binary. Their two-year-old son is beginning to understand, and they explain, 'Mummy isn't a woman; they're just Mummy.'
Ongoing Challenges and Support
Newer acquaintances, like coworkers and regulars at the bookstore, use they/them pronouns without issue, but long-time acquaintances, including some family members, struggle. One family member questioned the importance, saying 'what does it matter if you're not in the room?', but the parent insists it matters for how they want to be perceived.
Being femme-presenting and with a child means strangers often assume they are a woman, which can be draining. 'When you see yourself one way, while the world perceives you a different way, it can take a massive toll on your energy and mental health. It makes me feel dissociated from my body and my identity.'
Despite the challenges, they feel supported by their husband and son, who calls them 'bubba' instead of 'mama'. They conclude: 'Being a non-binary mother is a unique experience, but ultimately the act of creating life is so magical, so divine, that I think it goes beyond the limited binary of gender. Trans men can be mothers, non-binary folks can be mothers. Your gender expression doesn't influence how you parent, so you may as well just be you.'
