Adoption Dream Meets Reality: A London Family's Emotional Journey
Fiona Barber recalls with tearful emotion the moment she first met her adoptive daughter. In a broad Yorkshire accent, she describes how four-year-old Vicki* threw open the front door of her Sheffield foster home in 2018 and sweetly declared: ‘Hello Mummy and Daddy!’ Fiona, a Londoner, and her husband Charlie stood nervously on the doorstep, filled with anxiety about this life-changing introduction.
A Troubled Beginning
Vicki’s early years were marked by neglect and domestic abuse. One police report documented officials finding her drinking from a bottle of Calpol at just two years old. When her biological mother could no longer provide care, Vicki and her younger brother entered the foster system. Fiona and Charlie felt overjoyed at the opportunity to raise her, but nothing prepared them for the emotional turbulence ahead.
Speaking via Zoom in front of a birthday banner reading ‘Look at you turning 12 and s***’ – a testament to Vicki’s Yungblud-inspired, skateboarding-mad humor – Fiona reflects on the exhaustive adoption process. She already had an 18-year-old son, Finn, whose father had left when he was a baby. After meeting Charlie in 2004 and five years of unsuccessful attempts to conceive, the couple decided to adopt in 2016.
The Gruelling Adoption Process
They registered with children’s charity Coram, embarking on months of applications, meetings, interviews, training, and panel reviews. Eventually presented with dossiers of children, they selected Vicki based on her ‘little face full of character.’ Fiona describes the process as deeply invasive, recalling how social workers questioned her about a period of depression 15 years prior.
‘They examine every aspect of your life,’ Fiona explains. ‘When Finn was a baby, his father left suddenly for Australia. I was a senior buyer at Laura Ashley, traveling extensively, and suddenly became a single mother. Naturally, I experienced depression. A stranger reaction would be to not feel depressed!’
Their parents and close friends underwent interviews, the couple faced scrutiny about Finn adjusting to a sibling, and social workers assessed their home. ‘We live in a lovely community near an excellent school, but when social workers visit, you question everything – wanting perfection down to the proposed bedroom for the child.’
Emotional Breakthroughs
The process proved stressful and exhausting, though Fiona acknowledges its necessity. ‘It was isolating because friends and family couldn’t fully understand unless they’d experienced it. Like pregnancy, you must keep your eyes on the prize,’ she says. A local friend who had undergone adoption provided crucial support.
While on holiday in Devon, Fiona received an email 18 months into the process confirming they would become Vicki’s parents. ‘Charlie stopped the car, we got out, and I burst into tears,’ she recalls emotionally, eight years later. Vicki’s adoption was ‘together-apart,’ meaning her brother joined another family while maintaining contact – a decision made by social workers.
The couple interrupted their holiday to meet Vicki’s social worker in London, arrange another panel, then return to Devon. After approval, they spent two weeks in Sheffield visiting Vicki daily, taking her for pizza and assisting with bath and bedtime routines. Her social worker then brought her to a London hotel for gradually extended visits with Fiona and Charlie.
The Transition Home
On November 18, 2018 – a date tattooed on Finn’s arm – Vicki arrived at their home with bags of toys, books, and clothes. ‘It was a happy, terrible day,’ Fiona remembers. ‘Vicki loved her foster home but knew this was her forever home. She’s a bright soul eager to start her new life. Yet saying goodbye to her foster mum left her heartbroken and confused at just four years old.’
The following weeks overflowed with tears, tantrums, and anxiety. Meltdowns and screaming episodes occurred over food, clothing, and leaving the house. Fiona constantly second-guessed herself, while Finn, at university in York, could take breaks from the intensity.
‘One moment Vicki was clingy, the next pushing us away, making it hard to determine the right response,’ Fiona explains. The outbursts exceeded typical four-year-old behavior, leading Fiona to question if they’d made a grave mistake. ‘Similar to biological children, I reached my limit. She tested us, needing assurance we wouldn’t give up.’
Building Trust and Family Bonds
After a particularly difficult day, Fiona found herself curled on the bedroom floor crying. ‘Vicki came over, grabbed me, and gave a huge hug – a real breakthrough,’ she says. Over months, trust and confidence grew. Starting school after Christmas, making friends, and establishing routines brought calm.
Lockdown further strengthened family bonds. Each trip, event, holiday, and milestone helped them adapt, filling albums with photos and tickets while creating new traditions. Birthdays featured banners and presents on the kitchen table; Christmases included new decorations, some bearing Vicki’s name. A friend gifted a specially designed plate for reindeer carrots, still used annually.
Reflections and Advocacy
Reflecting on the tears and tantrums, Fiona shares her story to support others in the adoption process, emphasizing its challenges and profound rewards. ‘Vicki has completed our family. She teaches my husband, Finn, and me about ourselves, mimicking my faults and making us laugh. She impersonates me stomping upstairs saying “Up. I Go. Again” while searching for lost PE kits and homework.’
‘She shares a close bond with my mum, and as the baby of the family, her cousins adore her. Our entire family has been enriched by this little girl, who will soon be a teenager. When people unfamiliar with our adoption met her, they’d say, “Aren’t you amazing! Isn’t she lucky!” But I always thought – no, we are the lucky ones.’
Fiona founded Their Nibs nightwear, donating 20% of children’s pyjama profits to Coram. *Name changed for privacy.
