Welcome to How I Do It, the series where we get a seven-day peek into the sex life of a stranger. This week, we hear from Shelby*, 45, a married mother of one living in Canada. Shelby, who is straight, met her husband Conrad* over 20 years ago while on holiday in Cuba. They maintained a long-distance relationship for two years before starting their life together. Now, they typically have sex about twice a week.
Our sex life is comfortable and satisfying, Shelby says. We know how to get each other off, we like to experiment within our boundaries, and our sex is happy and playful. They have tried dressing up, light bondage, anal play, and switching locations. But recently, a major barrier has emerged: a back injury. Shelby was diagnosed with a herniated disc, making intimacy challenging. Here is how she navigated the week.
Monday
Last month, I was diagnosed with a herniated disc in my back, and it is so uncomfortable. I think old age degenerated the discs, and a bad sofa pushed it out of place. I am in a lot of pain, especially in my right leg, and taking strong painkillers that knock me out. I was not given advice on avoiding certain sex positions beyond not doing anything that hurts or flares up the leg or back, which is almost everything. Today, there is a lot of sexy banter and promises via texts throughout the day. I tell Conrad I am thinking about him, and he asks which part, so I act coy and reply with an embarrassed face emoji. When he gets home, we kiss, and he says he wants to kiss me everywhere after our son goes to bed. Flirting keeps our intimacy alive, though it is not as important as actual sex. When you are deep in parenthood and chores, it is good to remind yourselves that you are two people attracted to each other. However, by the time our teenager falls asleep, I watch The Pitt and take my nighttime painkillers. I fell asleep with my book on my face before my husband even comes to bed.
Tuesday
I am working from home when my husband returns early from the office. I hear him showering, so I leave my tasks and hobble to join him. He has to help me into the shower because I cannot lift my leg over the bath. Instead, I sit on the edge, spin around, and stand. We share the space more than anything else, but we are naked, which is a start. There is no sexual touching. We towel off, share funny cat TikToks, and cuddle on the bed. I am frustrated that we have not been as sexual as usual, and I have been miserable. Conrad has been sweet, but I miss the spontaneity.
Wednesday
In recent years, I have missed the frantic, urgent undressing of unmarried sex. For us, sex usually happens when we are already in bed naked. But now, undressing, especially getting jeans and socks on and off, is really difficult. Conrad has to help me. That simple act turns into a giggly and silly prelude to sex. We put on some RnB, arrange a mountain of pillows to protect my leg and back, and with him on top and plenty of lube, we kiss like teenagers in the afternoon sunlight. We then have the most satisfying, gentle, romantic missionary sex. Before my injury, we tried positions like missionary, me on top, and doggy, but now standard man on top is all I can do, and it has to be gentle. We test how high he can raise one of my legs, as legs on his shoulders is another position we enjoy. We get close but not quite. I have not wanted to experiment too much, as pain is a big turn-off. I love looking at Conrad's face during sex and kissing. We have very soulful looks into each other's eyes, and it always makes me feel connected to him.
Thursday
Our evening is busy. My son has after-school activities, so my husband runs around dropping him off and picking him up. Suddenly, I am alone in the house and decide to see if I can have some solo fun without my injury flaring up. I have to use my grabber tool to open my spicy drawer and get my vibrator out, which is much harder than it sounds. I then prop my bad leg up and move a bolster under my back to get comfortable. It feels rushed, and I wonder why I had not tried this earlier when nobody was expected home for hours. I watch a porn video on my phone of a couple having sex doggy style and quickly get off, putting everything back before anyone comes home.
Friday
Today is my day off, so I go for brunch with a friend before coming home to watch Girls while elevating my leg in bed. Conrad is late home, so by the time we order pizza and watch a movie, then get my son to bed, we are both exhausted. Conrad looks really good today. He has started using a new hair product that brings out cute curls, so I make sure to tell him. I think in long-term relationships we forget how important compliments are, so I sprinkle them in along with a good bum squeeze.
Saturday
My pain is pretty bad today. My son and husband go out for the day, so I potter around the house and spend hours on a video call with my mum, planning a family holiday. Then I make homemade burgers. We do not even cuddle in bed, as I have found using an extra-large pillow under my bad leg helps with the pain. It creates a physical barrier, reminding me of the giant pregnancy pillow I used to have, which my husband jokingly called my boyfriend. I have been told my back injury should heal in eight to 12 weeks, which I really hope is true, as I have had enough of this pain and limited mobility. I just want to get back to my normal self, including having sex any which way.
Sunday
Today, my son goes fishing with his buddy, so I am off duty for a while. I take a shower, trim my fringe, and start to get dressed. I manage to get a bra on, but getting my knickers on is difficult with the back pain, so I give up in frustration and throw them across the room. This gives me a raunchy thought. I decide to lie on the bed with my bad leg supported by pillows, wearing nothing but a bra, and then through our smart home speaker, I summon Conrad to join me. He comes into the bedroom with a big grin and goes down on me. We both love giving and receiving oral, and it is a frequent part of our foreplay. He has not showered yet and has been working out, so I do not return the favour, but we do have missionary sex very carefully. Halfway through, I have to put a really big pillow under my bum so I am propped up, and it feels quite different. I was basically on display, which we both found sexy. Even so, I cannot wait until we can have uninhibited sex once again.
