I had just finished having sex with my boyfriend. It was a quick encounter, nothing elaborate. As he lay relaxing on the bed, I bent down to retrieve my top. That is when I noticed the discarded condom in the trash bin. For a brief moment, I felt as if I had left my own body. I wondered uneasily whether he had removed it after the act. But how could he have taken it off and disposed of it without my noticing? Growing increasingly worried, I did not know what to say or do. I simply froze, my mind going blank. All I could see was that used condom. I snapped out of it when he kissed my shoulder and headed to the bathroom to collect my thoughts. The one thing I knew was that if I confronted him, it would lead to another one-sided argument about my commitment and trust issues while I sat silently in tears. The only action I could think to take, while locked in the toilet with my phone, was to search for a pharmacy offering free emergency contraception, just to be safe. And that was the end of that. I went home the next day as planned and collected the pill locally.
What I later learned was that the non-consensual removal of a condom is called stealthing. In England and Wales, stealthing is legally considered rape. Now, a woman who appeared on Married At First Sight UK, Shona Manderson, has alleged that her onscreen husband ejaculated inside her without her permission after they had agreed to use the withdrawal method of contraception. This can amount to a sexual violation, according to a criminal lawyer cited by the BBC. Shona appeared on a BBC Panorama documentary in which two other former contestants from the Channel 4 show alleged that they were raped by their husbands during filming. It is reported that all three women said the show did not do enough to protect them. Shona's onscreen husband, Bradley Skelly, said he had understood that Manderson had consented to him ejaculating inside her that night. In a statement, he categorically denied any allegations of sexual misconduct or that he was controlling.
While different from my own experience, my blood ran cold when I heard about this allegation. I intimately know the panic Shona must have felt, the uncertainty, and the overwhelming despair at being let down afterwards by those meant to support her. I felt sick and faint. I had been betrayed, put at risk, and then discarded by the man who was supposed to love me.
My boyfriend and I had originally met online through mutual friends when I was 17. He was 25. For months, we exchanged flirty messages, but we lived quite a distance from each other. Then, not long after I turned 18, we ended up at the same party. One thing led to another. That was the night I lost my virginity and the night we made our relationship official. Less than a month in, he told me he loved me, and a few months later, the sex started getting rougher. A couple of times, he would not let me up for air during oral sex. Another time, despite repeated protests, he initiated anal sex without my permission. I never told anyone about these incidents because I thought it was normal, just part of figuring out how each other gets off.
These were not the only lines he crossed. He would do things like bite my arm when I tried to pack my things too early to catch my train home, leaving me with a nasty bruise for weeks. Asking him to stop got me nowhere. The one time I tried to start a serious conversation about how he treated me, he ghosted me for a week. The next time we spoke, he ended our relationship, saying that me bringing up the way he treated me was not fair. I realised how toxic he was. I was not going to fight for him.
But now, I felt brave enough to ask whether he had removed the condom during the last time we had sex or after. That is when he nonchalantly admitted to removing the condom during sex, not just that day but multiple times beforehand. I felt sick and faint. I had been betrayed, put at risk, and then discarded by the man who was supposed to love me. I only learned of the term stealthing when I stumbled across a forum post of a young woman anonymously asking for help, so I did more research.
On their website, Rape Crisis explains that stealthing happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person's permission. They go on to explain that, while there is no criminal offence called stealthing, it falls under the umbrella of rape in English and Welsh law. Learning that my ex-boyfriend had raped me was shocking.
I did not know who to talk to about it. I had kept our relationship a secret from most people, including my family, because they would not approve of our seven-year age difference. Going to the police crossed my mind, until I remembered reading about how women are portrayed and treated when their cases get to court, if they ever do. In the end, I told one of our mutual friends whom I trusted like a brother. Only, he told me that it was not a big deal. He said he had done it to his own partner before. He said I should let it go. When I told two other mutual friends, both men, their reactions were not much better. One said he did not want to get involved, while the other warned my ex about what I was saying. They made me feel so small, as if I was being dramatic and childish. I was not intimate with another person for almost three years. I could not trust anyone and was suddenly aware of how little power I had.
It was only from supporting another survivor at university, completely by chance, that I finally saw the situation with clarity. She went through the same thing as me, and I understood that she had been raped. So I had been raped too. That helped me, as did taking back control of my sexuality and enjoying casual sex. But sometimes I still struggle with seeing my own experience as entirely valid. Yet, I am proof that it is just as serious and has just as long an impact as other forms of rape.
When it comes to the MAFS UK allegations, we cannot bury our heads in the sand. Everyone reading about MAFS UK must recognise that, while three women have come forward with allegations regarding one TV show, this is not a contained problem. There are so many more of us with similar stories. Whether something is legally defined as rape or whether it constitutes a sexual violation, things need to change. We need sex education curriculums to include more in-depth and rigorous teaching about consent and boundaries. I want to see schools, colleges, and universities talk about it. Teach young people about consent beyond a simple yes or no. That you can give conditional consent, such as yes, as long as a condom is used, or yes, so long as you pull out. Most of all, I want to see more people challenge the lad culture that lets men think it is acceptable to carry out things like stealthing or to ejaculate inside someone after previously agreeing to always pull out first.
If you have been the victim of rape, either recently or historically, and are looking for help, support is out there. If you have recently been raped and you are still at risk, ring 999 and ask for the police. Otherwise, the first step is to go somewhere you are safe. If you want to report your rape to the police, ring 999 or the police non-emergency line on 101. An Independent Sexual Violence Advocate (ISVA) will often be on hand to help you through reporting and even after you have made a statement, you can still decide to withdraw from the criminal justice process at any time. If you plan on going to the police, if possible, do not wash your clothes or shower, bathe or brush your teeth. If you do get changed, keep the clothes you were wearing in a plastic bag. These steps will help to preserve any DNA evidence your attacker may have left on your body or clothes. If you do not want to contact the police, Rape Crisis suggest talking to someone you trust about what has happened, or you can ring one of the UK's many rape and sexual assault helplines. Anyone aged 16 and over can contact Rape Crisis's 24/7 Support Line by calling 0808 500 2222 or starting an online chat. If you have been injured, you are best advised to go to your nearest A&E to seek medical treatment. If you are uninjured, you can go to your nearest Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC). The NHS has information on where to find your nearest centre. If your rape is historic, you can still access support, including from the police. There is no time limit on reporting, and your account can still be used as evidence.
