Dee Whitnell, a non-binary sex educator, content creator and journalist, discovered the term 'non-binary' at age 21 while scrolling Instagram, describing the moment as a lightbulb switching on. They realized they didn't have to choose a he/she pronoun or a single gender expression, and have identified as non-binary for about six years.
Early experiences with gender
Raised in a hyper-feminine environment, Whitnell was placed in competitive dance at age three, wearing 'girly' costumes, but also loved wrestling with their dad and relished rare boy roles in dance. A childhood photo shows them in a princess dress with Timberland boots, which they say epitomizes their lifelong gender questioning.
At 14, Whitnell quit dancing because they disliked the constant feminine presentation. They took up boxing, which felt euphoric. However, they later pressured themselves into girlhood, copying friends' looks, using fake tan, wearing acrylic nails, and even wanting a boob job at 15.
Exploring masculinity
In their late teens, after watching a Hollyoaks episode featuring a trans character, Whitnell explored masculinity. They shaved their head, replaced their wardrobe, bound their chest, used 'he' pronouns, and considered testosterone. While they felt happier with a smaller chest and correct pronouns, they suppressed feminine interests, fearing it would invalidate their male identity. This binary thinking took a toll on relationships, as they felt compelled to stick with the gender identity their partners knew.
Discovering non-binary identity
Whitnell first encountered the term 'non-binary' towards the end of the first Covid lockdown. They instantly knew it was right, and their parents agreed, recalling how they used to wrestle in a Disney princess dress. Initially, Whitnell forced themselves into androgyny to ensure others respected their identity, but gradually stopped pressuring themselves to fit a mould. They now enjoy both 'girly' and 'masc' things without compromising their identity.
Life as a non-binary person
Now 27 and using they/them pronouns, Whitnell feels a weight lifted, no longer worrying about sitting like a girl or boy. They experience dysphoria sometimes and get misgendered more when presenting femininely, but they know who they are. They buy clothes based on desire, not gender conformity.
Representation and education
Whitnell mourns not having the language for their identity earlier, which could have saved years of stress. However, they find comfort in being the non-binary representation they lacked. As a sex educator, they visit schools, and students often say Whitnell is the first non-binary adult they've met. Whitnell helps young people find their language around gender. They now express non-binary as both no gender and all gender, wearing what they want and feeling free.
