A seismic shift is occurring in how young women approach relationships and self-worth. Across social media platforms, particularly TikTok, a new term is gaining remarkable traction: #boysober. This movement sees women publicly declaring a conscious withdrawal from dating, hookup culture, and the pervasive expectation of emotional dependence on men.
From Meme to Global Conversation
What started as an online joke has rapidly evolved into a serious, worldwide discussion about personal boundaries, emotional burnout, and bodily autonomy. As noted by Dr Lisa Portolan, an academic who completed her PhD on dating apps and intimacy with Western Sydney University’s Institute for Culture and Society, this is far more than a viral challenge. It represents a collective experiment in feminist renegotiation.
Women involved in the trend are reframing abstention. It is not portrayed as an act of moral purity, but as a vital form of self-preservation. This is a deliberate refusal to participate in a dating economy that frequently leaves them feeling exhausted, unsafe, or subject to digital surveillance.
The Driving Forces Behind the Trend
The motivations for going '#boysober' are deeply rooted in the modern dating experience. Creators within the movement speak openly about the cumulative fatigue induced by dating apps, the relentless emotional labour required to manage male fragility, and the frightening rise of technologically facilitated abuse.
This is not an overstatement. Reports of tech-facilitated violence have soared globally. Women describe partners using spyware, GPS tracking, and threats to leak intimate images as tools of coercive control. In this context, stepping away from the dating marketplace is not about prudishness; for many, it is a logical act of survival.
This sentiment is encapsulated in another term gaining traction online: heterofatalism. This describes a resigned hopelessness about the possibility of equitable heterosexual relationships, born from the belief that patriarchy is too entrenched to overcome. It’s not that connection is unwanted, but that many women no longer believe the emotional investment yields a fair return.
A Movement of Contradictions and Co-option
As with many online feminist movements, #boysober exists in a state of tension. Some critics detect echoes of neoconservatism, viewing it as a regression to individualism and purity culture disguised in feminist language. Others, however, see it as a radical refusal of male-centred validation and a powerful reclamation of emotional bandwidth and self-worth.
Dr Portolan suggests the truth lies somewhere in between. The movement is both a direct response to patriarchy and a product of it, shaped by the very digital architectures that commodify desire and connection.
There is also a risk, as identified by feminist cultural theorist Angela McRobbie, that such acts of refusal can be co-opted by postfeminist media culture. A movement born from genuine exhaustion could easily be transformed into just another brand of 'self-care', sold back to women as an unpaid personal project.
The New Protagonist: The Self
The cultural landscape is undeniably changing. The old romance plot, which centred on finding 'the one' and showcasing that coupledom as a primary social achievement, is losing its power. Vogue recently captured this shift by asking a viral question: Is having a boyfriend now embarrassing?
In its place, a new narrative is emerging, one that is fiercely self-referential. The focus has shifted to 'falling in love with myself,' 'main character energy,' and 'self-partnership'. The protagonist of the story is no longer the boyfriend, but the self. This de-centring of romantic love reflects the realities of a generation grappling with precarious work, housing crises, and digital burnout, for whom traditional coupledom feels both harder to sustain and less essential for self-definition.
Despite the contradictions, there is something quietly revolutionary happening. The idea that a woman’s life can be complete, fulfilling, and joyful without a romantic partner would have been radical a generation ago. Today, it is not just an idea—it is actively trending.
