The transfer window is not a single window but a collection of different windows, each club possessing its own, through which they peer longingly and occasionally fling large sums of money. Tottenham have only recently prised theirs open, with the previous occupant, Mr Levy, having deliberately painted over the seals, leaving it flapping all summer like the screen door of a haunted house. Manchester City have removed the glass from their frames altogether, allowing free movement of large expensive items in both directions, with officious-looking gentlemen with clipboards currently double-checking the structural integrity of that one.
Liverpool's Window Neglected as Barcola Deal Looms
At Anfield, nobody has been looking after the window at all, leaving it untended and covered in grime. Football Daily rubbed a small patch clear and peered through, only to see someone fast asleep at their desk, clutching a passport and a one-way ticket to Saudi Arabia. Someone else poked them with a stick, and eventually there was reluctant movement. A fee of just over £100m has been agreed with PSG for Bradley Barcola, with add-ons based on individual and team success that won't happen if Liverpool's other recent big-money purchases are anything to go by, so they won't bring the fee up to £120m. Football Daily scribbled "CLEAN ME" and "YOU DO REALISE IT'S A RIGHT WINGER YOU DESPERATELY NEED?" in the dust on the pane and moved along.
Chelsea's Revolving Door Sends Delap to Forest
Chelsea have completely redefined the concept of the window, replacing theirs with a revolving door, powered by steam generated by the hot mess that is late-stage capitalism. On Thursday morning, Liam Delap flew out of it, cashiered in borderline disgrace after scoring two goals in all competitions since his £30m move from Ipswich one year ago. Chelsea have managed to make a £15m profit by flipping him to Nottingham Forest, who would have legitimate grounds for complaint at the absurd fee had they not started this whole nonsense years ago by breaking the £1m barrier for Trevor Francis. As Delap crashed clumsily through Forest's window, sending shards of glass flying everywhere, Evangelos Marinakis grabbed planks of wood and quickly boarded it up, ensuring Morgan Gibbs-White still can't flee.
Having finally thought it through, Football Daily concluded that things were far better when the transfer window was simply an overarching metaphor for the period during which clubs are permitted to exchange contracts for playing staff, as opposed to actual windows. They will go back to treating it like that until the whole thing slams shut and can be kept closed for another four months.
Herrera Signs for Free at Real Zaragoza
Ander Herrera has signed up to play for free for Real Zaragoza in the Spanish third tier. "I don't need a contract. I have a very successful career. I have taken care of my money. I can give this present to myself. To put that shirt on … for free because I wanted to help my club, my team, my city. It's something that I wanted to do. It's something that I am able to do and it's something that makes me feel so proud to be able to be here just to help," he said.
In other news, Uefa is preparing to make a criminal complaint against Gianni Infantino for alleged "criminal mismanagement" in connection with his failed Fifa Forward Enterprise plan and has applied for the release of documents related to its conception. Melvine Malard broke her Chelsea duck at the first time of asking on Wednesday in their 5-2 rout of Real Sociedad in Women's Champions League qualifying. Manchester City, in the middle of trying to flog Jack Grealish back to Everton, have now decided to sign Everton's Iliman Ndiaye.
In Tuesday's Carabao Cup action, Newcastle held off West Brom thanks to a Harvey Barnes double, Everton's Thierno Barry scored a hat-trick against Preston, and Sávio scored on his debut for Spurs. While Celtic snatched European defeat from the jaws of victory on Tuesday, Hearts did the opposite – down to 10-men and 1-0 down, they stormed back to lead, were denied at the last, then won on penalties anyway against Rapid Vienna. José Mourinho's second coming at the Bernabéu started with a 5-1 win over Real Sociedad in La Liga thanks to a Kylian Mbappé hat-trick. Jamie Carragher could face bankruptcy after HM Revenue and Customs issued a bankruptcy petition against him over an unpaid tax bill. Leyton Orient have criticised Wrexham's owners, Ryan Reynolds and Rob Mac, for putting a badge on their new kit that mirrors their own. "What you playing at @VancityReynolds @RMcElhenney?," posted Orient on their social media, alongside a video of Roy Hodgson using colourful language.
It's transfermageddon: Sunderland are pondering a loan move for Manchester City misfit Grealish, Chelsea are in talks with Aston Villa goalkeeper Emi Martínez, Girona's Kim Min-su has joined Rangers, and Palace are set to hijack Villa's move for Joel Ordoñéz. Andy Brassell marks your card for the Bundesliga season ahead, where the battle for second spot is hotting up, and Max Rushden asks himself if he still loves going to football or just the idea of it.
