A Shocking Response to Basic Safety
"Can I be inside you?" Ozan* asked while shampooing my hair in my hotel shower. "I'll feel more comfortable if you use a condom," I replied hesitantly. Naturally, I assumed this was a reasonable request – but his response stunned me.
"I hate condoms. They don't feel good. Asking for one shows a lack of empathy. May as well use my hand. If a woman asks, I usually just leave," he declared. It baffled me that basic sexual safety was being framed as a personality flaw. I firmly insisted that without protection, there would be no intimacy.
Red Flags From the Beginning
This wasn't the first time Ozan had accused me of having no empathy. I should have recognized the warning signs from our initial meeting seven months earlier during a holiday. I encountered him while walking alone at night to unwind before bed.
He was tall and toned with scraggy facial hair, projecting a rough-around-the-edges demeanor with a slight swagger. We seemed to connect initially as he shared personal stories about friends who had passed away, his health problems, and his sister's illness. I mostly listened – he didn't ask me a single question about myself.
That night he messaged about how he couldn't sleep because he wanted to hug me, which I found sweet. But the next day, when he suggested meeting at a location that appeared to be in the wilderness and I proposed a café instead, he responded: "I'm still waiting to get paid. You have no empathy and live in your own world. No need to meet. I've lost interest."
A Pattern of Hot and Cold Behavior
I explained that as a woman, I needed to feel safe meeting someone I didn't know well. He ignored my concerns. After sharing the messages with a friend who confirmed his behavior was strange, I should have cut him off completely. But within hours, he suggested meeting at a nearby shopping center instead.
He had experienced an emotional outburst, then acted as if nothing had happened. After internal deliberation, I agreed. Then he disappeared for three days. This pattern continued throughout the two months I spent in his area – he would vanish for days with vague excuses about friends getting arrested or being sick.
Whenever we did meet, he consistently pushed for sex. Each time, I explained my anxiety issues and that I wasn't in the right headspace for intimacy, adding that if that wasn't what he wanted, I would understand and happily walk away. This typically prompted another disappearance, though he always eventually reconnected.
Occasional Softness and Regrettable Decisions
He displayed occasional flashes of tenderness, like asking if he'd contributed to my mental health struggles. Then, on my last night of that initial holiday, we randomly bumped into each other. In the moment, things felt right and we hooked up. I got carried away and didn't insist on a condom, which I later regretted.
He was surprisingly tender afterward, wrapping himself around me and cuddling until late afternoon. For a moment, I felt safe, but I sensed something was off – he had never been like that before we slept together. When he left, he promised to message about dinner plans but ghosted me, eventually offering a belated apology.
Returning with Hope and Facing Reality
Despite everything, I maintained a soft spot for him. Over the next six months after returning home, he stayed in touch and tried to connect in new ways. This gave me hope, making me curious if something genuine might develop between us.
When I returned to the same holiday destination, he visited my hotel and we spent hours by the pool. He asked questions and we laughed together more than before. I wondered if the chaotic man I'd met seven months earlier had actually changed. While I told myself I returned for work and to write a travel piece, being honest, 80% of my motivation involved him.
"You can stay tonight if you're not expecting sex," I finally told him. We went to bed, but hours later, we stirred and became intimate. I asked him to use a condom then, and he agreed. However, when we woke up and showered together, he requested oral sex.
The Final Revelation
I told him the effort needed to be mutual, to which he responded: "Don't be so selfish, women need to do it. It's part of a man's sex act. It doesn't matter if you cum." That's when he repeated his accusation that I had "no empathy" for asking for a condom.
In that moment, everything became clear – he had no respect for me or for women in general. He was manipulative, though not in a calculated, mastermind way, but rather like an emotionally underdeveloped teenager. He left afterward, and thankfully, I haven't heard from him since.
I've grown since that experience, and I hope he has too. The encounter revealed how basic boundaries and safety requests can be weaponized against women in dating scenarios, highlighting the importance of recognizing red flags and standing firm in one's values.
*Names have been changed
